Party of Two, Please.

Under Pressure

2011-04-17T19:16:00.007-06:00

Sam is almost 1 now, and there has been one little thing that I have been hanging on to. His hair! I love Sam's hair. It is a beautiful strawberry blond with just enough curl to be awesome. It was also really long. Like ridiculously long. But I loved it and couldn't bring myself to cut it. It was driving Mark crazy and he would bring it up all of the time to my clients, but they always took my side (who is going to disagree when there is a chick with scissors near their head).

And then, something horrible happened. My client agreed with Mark. His resulting happy dance was enough to prod me into action. So, with a heavy heart, I told Mark that I would cut Sam's hair.

Saturday began like any other day. Little did I know that one simple act would change everything. In between clients I strapped my poor, unsuspecting child into his high chair, sprayed down his hair and began what was an extremely traumatic experience, for ME.

It took only minutes, but I was changed forever. I was no longer the mother of a baby boy. I had somehow morphed into the parent of a grown child. His features looked completely different. Not so babyish. Possibly because you could finally see his face without all of the hair in the way.

Anyway, we somehow survived the first haircut. Sam was a champ; completely unfazed by the whole thing. I guess he has seen the whole process a few times by now! I didn't cry, much. Mark is extremely happy. A good time was had by some.

Before

During

After

What Goes in, Must Come Out! Right?!

2011-03-31T18:34:00.002-06:00

Back in November, I decided to try out a new hair colour line. I always try them on myself first, just to make sure that nothing bad happens. Boy, was I ever glad that I did. I used, what the company termed, a chocolate brown. It was a level 4 (1 is black, 10 is blond), so we are looking at a medium dark brown with some reddish, golden undertones. That is what should have happened. It didn't. Instead I got a really, really dark (almost black) colour with PURPLE undertones. It wasn't so bad, because it was underneath. It has been several months now, and I am really grossed out by the colour that this has faded to. It is a nasty purpley/brown mess. So I went to my friend Tracy and we decided that we would try to lift some of it out with highlights (I also have a piece in my bangs). Well, my hair is probably the easiest in the world to highlight. With very little work, it goes to a great light blond. After 1 1/2 hours sitting with the lightener on my hair, I had a lovely shade of dark pink. The bang piece was even worse. It went to a pinky/red. I couldn't believe it! So today I tried again to lift out just the bang piece. I used the strongest stuff that I have and left it on for almost 2 hours. I now have a lovely pastel pink bang. Not Impressed. I have never come across a colour like this! I need to give my hair a little break just so that I don't end up with no hair from over processing. No laughing! It's not funny. OK, it is, but not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Before I forget...

2011-03-29T23:17:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday Mark! It was Mark's birthday on Sunday. He turned 28. We went to church, had a restful afternoon, and then went to his parent's house for birthday supper. Mark's parent's made a wonderful prime rib supper for the family and then I made him a lemon cake for dessert. It was all great. On Monday we celebrated as a family. I made Mark's favourite meal and then I made lemon meringue and pumpkin pie for dessert. I guess that I can't really call it a family meal; Sam was already in bed. We watched a movie together and then the old man went to bed. I love you baby, here's to an eternity more!

Holy Lunge Batman!

2011-03-29T22:55:00.002-06:00

My friend Leanne and I have been working on our bods for the last while, working out a couple of times a week together and a few times a week on our own. Well, last night we did a lower body series, and it was eye opening. You start by doing a basic warm up, and then you proceed to do 36 front lunges, 36 back lunges, and then 36 bowler lunges. This hideous mix is followed by squats and many other horrendous exercises. I managed to get through the lower body, without too much trouble. Then we did the core exercises. This is the part that made me realize that all of my hard work was paying off. I could do it all. No problems at all. When I first started working with my trainer in November, there was so much that I couldn't do. I had no strength in my core (as the babe had destroyed it). So we started slow and built it up. What a great feeling it was to work hard, and feel my body respond to the demands. Now if I could get my sugar cravings under control, then I would really be impressed. ps- lots of lunges+ not enough post workout stretching=walking like an eighty year old

Teething (Or, why I'm going to sell my child on ebay)

2011-03-23T19:38:00.002-06:00

Sam has a couple of teeth. He has had them for a few months now, and he does quite well with them. About a month after the first two bottom teeth came in, he started to work on those top two. He is still working on them! They refuse to come through, but they have no problem causing him trouble.

He is cranky, partly because he is in pain and partly because he isn't napping well during the day. The pain of the teething wakes him up. Consequently, I am having to deal with an overtired, clingy, pain ridden toddler, all while working, taking care of the house, finishing numerous blankets, and trying to see Mark for more than an hour a day. I feel so bad for Sam, but it gets worse because Mark is sick, over worked, and tired from dealing with Sam.

So, anyone want a slightly used husband and/or a cute, kinda whiny toddler? There are days lately that I would be willing to sell them cheap. But I think that I will hold on to them a little longer. Their value is sure to go up with time.

Been a While

2011-03-13T22:17:00.002-06:00

So, October, huh. Sorry. Time got away from me.

Rather than a long post, catching everyone up, perhaps I will simply summarize with the following: Sam growing, Mark in school, Jess working. 'Nuff said.

Not much is new or different. We moved in January. This was a source of both stress as well as stress relief. No more stress about the old place (they were trying to sell) and new stress about trying to move in a week. We love our new place and all of the space. Sam watches a flock of birds by perching at the window. He gets excited and bangs on the glass when he sees them.

Sam is the focus of most of the activity in our home. We have been trying to get him to fold his arms when we pray together. We had been mostly unsuccessful until yesterday. We were hanging out, eating lunch when Mark and Lisa called me back into the room (I was putting groceries away). Sam had figured out how to bring his hands together and link the fingers. He claps his hands together and then whirls them around (similar in nature to the wicked witch of the west, picture" I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!") It is absolutely adorable. Now we are getting him to do it every time that there is a prayer. Success rate: approximately 50%.

I'll post some pictures later.

A letter to my child

2010-10-22T02:02:00.003-06:00

Dear Sam,
You are nearly six months old now, and I can hardly believe how much you have changed. I love that look on your face as you figure out how to do something new. I love your smile; how it lights up your entire face; how you light up my day when you look at me and grin.
You are really starting to change. You move so much. You roll and sit up and gnaw on anything that you can get your hands on. Your favorite toys are your giraffe Sophie, your crinkly lion, and any blanket or cloth. You like to giggle and talk (such a surprise with me as your mother!)
Solid foods are a new thing you are trying, and loving. You get so excited whenever you see food coming towards you. You even start to dance a little in your chair.
Sam, we waited a long time for a child; for you. You were worth the wait. You make every day special.
Love Mama

A Letter to Myself

Dear Jess,
Read this letter when Sam is two, ten, thirteen, sixteen, and nineteen. Remember the joy you felt when you met this special spirit for the first time and realized that you got to keep this one. Remember that love you felt as your son was overjoyed with something as simple as a blanket or his own feet. Remember that pride you felt as Sam grew and discovered new things. Remember how he would sometimes stop eating because he was too busy smiling up at you. How he always had cold hand in the morning because he would sleep with them above his head, no matter how you tried to keep them under a blanket.
I tell you to remember these simple things because look how much he has changed in the 6 months and how much you have forgotten. Also, there are times when he will drive you crazy, and you need to remember that first love you felt for him. He is special.

Sam 1 day. Sam 1 month Sam 3 months (gnawing on a blanket!). I'll add newer ones later.

A Tale of Two Blowouts

2010-08-09T22:43:00.004-06:00

Sam is three months old now and we have been really lucky in the diaper department.
If there have been "accidents," they have been of the watery, number 1 variety. And then yesterday our diaper innocence, if you will, was lost forever.

Picture this, Mark and I all ready for church, and getting packed up to be on time for Mark's meetings. Mark hands a sleeping Sam to me to put in the car seat.
I cuddle him in close for a little snuggle first.

Mark exclaims "Oh Yuck!"

I look over, mistakenly thinking that perhaps Sam had thrown up on him.
Oh, how I wish that it was puke.

All over Mark's white shirt sleeve, the couch pillow, myself (due to the cuddle), and my son's whole left side was a coating of my son's digestive product (ewww!).

But we thought, no big deal, he's three months old and this is the only time it has happened. Not too shabby.

and then it happened again.

Yet another picture for you. I come home this morning after a house call and both my men are in the bathroom. Sam is wrapped in a towel on the floor and Mark is in the shower (no need to picture this particular part). Sam is happy; smiling and cooing, kicking his legs and punching the air with his hands. Apparently, Sam had once again been busy and Mark had no choice but to shower both Sam and himself to get everything cleaned up. I go into the baby's room and it is like Hiroshima (poo style) has occur ed. "Stuff" covered stuff, like clothes and blankets, are scattered in smelly bunches. I go back into the bathroom to get Sam, and he is still really happy.

As I look down at him, I understand why he is so pleased with himself, as he proceeds to pee in a wide arc all over the floor, the towel, and himself.

It is at this point that I realize that laughter is the only real option. Because how can you get mad at a face like this:

So much stuff-No Time

2010-07-14T14:33:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. New baby=no free time. As it is, I am writing this with one hand as I hold him in the other.

Sam is great. As of last week he is 11 pounds, 1 ounce, and healthy and strong. He has discovered his voice and will use it loudly when hungry. He and Mark are great buddies and I often find them with their heads together "telling secrets."

Mark is adjusting well to staying home with Sam. He was a little stir crazy at first, but now I think that he is enjoying it. I love that he is staying home with him. It is so nice not to have to worry about finding babysitting for Sam every day while I am working. Not that I consider it babysitting when Mark looks after him; he is parenting.

I continue to work hard on behalf of our family. We have been really blessed that I am able to work and still be a mother to Sam.

We are approaching the anniversary of Eric's birth again and I am hoping that it goes as well as last year. we are at a loss once more as to how to commemorate it. I'm sure that we will think of something.

To sum up the last two months: We are happy, busy, and healthy and looking forward to more months of the same.

Welcome to the World!

2010-05-12T13:41:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the delay, but we've been busy!

Samuel Edward James Kilistoff was born Friday morning at 9:09 am, weighing 6lbs, 10oz, and 20 1/4 inches long. We are so excited to been trusted with this healthy, happy little guy. He has a full head of blond/coppery hair, a crease in his chin, and a dimple in each cheek. He is squeaky and grunty and we think he's great.

His arrival was kind of interesting, and very different from my last birth experience. I was booked for an induction Thursday morning, but the nurse called that morning and said that they were bumping me due to the fact that there were 6 other priority cases that needed dealt with that morning. We were pretty let down, but we decided that we needed to be positive about the whole thing. That afternoon we were called by the nurses and they said to come in right then because things were pretty calm. We got there at 4:15 and were admitted right away. The nurse that was assigned to me told we that it was going to take a while for things to get underway because there were 7 women who had simultaneously decided to give birth and all of the residents were busy.

At 7pm, they started my induction and stuff started to happen right away, it was really uncomfortable, especially because Mark decided that this was a good time to come down with stomach flu. At 10:30 they moved me into labour and delivery, even though I wasn't that far dilated, because they wanted to start running the antibiotics (Strep B positive). They stopped my induction because it was going too fast for me to get the full dose of antibiotics. At 3:30am they broke my water and started a different induction drug at 4am. This drug didn't go so well. Every time I had a contraction, the baby's heart rate did funny things, so they stopped it. Then on my own I dilated a little more. They decided a 5:30 to start the drug again. After only 2 contractions, we stopped it again, because the same thing happened again.

At this point they were pretty discouraged. At 6:30 am they checked me again, and again I had dilated another cm on my own, but my contractions were not consistent. I filled out pre-op papers and got myself mentally ready to have a c-section. I had one last frantic prayer that I wouldn't have to undergo a c-section if it were at all possible and felt that, regardless of what happened, that everything would be fine. Mark was the worst shade of gray and couldn't even stand upright.

After a nurse shift change, I was still waiting to know what was going to happen. At 8:30am the new nurse came in and she said she was going to check me, and confirm the course of action for delivery. In less than 2 hours I had dilated to 9 cm and was almost ready to go. No c-section!

My doctor didn't believe the nurse and checked me himself. Again, 9-9 1/2 cm was the prognosis. Dr. Schubert had another patient to check at a different hospital, and decided to go do that while I finished dilating and the room was set up for delivery. The nurse called him back 10 minutes later, because I needed to push. I breathed and waited for him to return as the nurse rushed around and got everything ready. Dr. Schubert rushed in at 9 am and after a very short time, Sam arrived and life changed forever.

We love our new little boy and are very happy that everything is fine. Mark and I can't believe that after so many years of waiting, we actually get to raise a little one here on earth.

Thanks for all of the prayers and well wishes over the last 9 months. They are always appreciated.

Update

2010-05-04T20:32:00.002-06:00

So, much has happened since my last post.

To fill in any gaps, this is what my weekend entailed:
1)Friday-after a trip to Costco in the morning, I started having contractions that went from 15 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart. We went to the hospital later that night to see what (if anything) was going on. The nurses and doctor were great and after a lot of tests the doctor said that stuff was definitely happening but that they were really busy and she thought that I should try to get some sleep at home, but that she thought that she would see me before the morning.

2) Saturday-the contractions continue, but further apart. Walking makes everything speed up, but when I relaxed they would slow. We decide not to go back until something definite happens. We have a rough night, but take it in stride.

3) Sunday- Mark and I are so tired from the night before that we decide to stay home and try to sleep. I am still contracting. We go to Mark's parent's place for supper, and after a walk, the contractions speed way up again and become really uncomfortable. Mark and I go home and try to relax, but the contractions rage on, so at 9:30pm we decide to go back into the hospital. My own doctor was on call, so that was nice. He was very busy, and told us that if we delivered that night and the baby needed the NICU, that we would have to go to Calgary because the NICU here was closed. We were examined and tested again and he confirmed that things were progressing, but he was scared to do much of an examination because he really didn't want my water to break. He was hoping that things would slow back down because of how busy everything was. After several hours (we left at 1:30am), they decided to send us home with orders to take it easy with the hope that things would slow back down. He also threatened to move our induction if the NICU situation didn't resolve itself.

4)Monday-Tired, but feeling pretty good, I did a client's colour, and then got my own hair done. Mark's sister and her husband came over and we played games and then they stayed for supper and the hockey game.

5)Tuesday (today)- we had an early morning doctor's appointment. He was really happy that we have been able to make it this far along in the pregnancy (past-term), and he said that we were a go for Thursday. Relief all around! Still contracting, but with the end in sight, I am a much happier person. Sprout should arrive swiftly on Thursday as long as we don't get bumped.

ps-In regards to the NICU situation, we found out that the NICU was "closed" because they had so many really sick babies in there that they had no room for another baby. Hence, they were shipping the pre-term women to Calgary. Scary.

Messed Up Morning

2010-04-28T16:38:00.002-06:00

So, at my doctor's appointment yesterday I was feeling a little stressed and consequently my blood pressure was a little elevated. My doctor said to me to keep checking it regularly and if it hadn't gone back to normal by this morning, then I should call him. Well, after a long, sleepless, contraction-filled night where my blood pressure remained high, I started to think that maybe I should do something. Mark agreed and we called my doctor's office, he immediately called back ad told us to go to the hospital and that we would probably have the induction today.

I am home. Obviously, we did not deliver today. After hours of tests, everything came back as fine. The blood pressure came back down as we waited to find out what was happening, and the baby was happy and healthy (and really didn't enjoy being monitored). I was super excited that everything was fine, but a little let down that we couldn't just stay and get things done.
I was (and continue to) contracting fairly regularly, so I guess we will wait and see.

And the Date is...

2010-04-27T13:04:00.002-06:00

NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!! Just kidding, well, I'm a little kidding, a little serious.

I went to the doctor today, planning for a Friday or Monday induction. Much to my chagrin, my doctor would not get behind either of those dates anymore. He was thinking that we could wait another couple of weeks. Full-term. Gross. Who wants to go full term when their doctor was originally saying 34 weeks?! After a little explanation from him regarding his travel schedule over the next weeks, as well as a few tears from me regarding my stress and anxiety level, he made some calls and we agreed on the 6th (next Thursday). I am really happy that he was willing to change his plans to accommodate us and that he listened to us.

Now, what the heck am I going to do with almost a week off? Work is done on Thursday, and I have nothing to do after that. I vote jammie pants, Cheetos, and bad daytime television.

Let me know what you think.

Waiting

2010-04-21T08:57:00.002-06:00

So, here I sit, still pregnant, getting fatter, waiting impatiently for my doctor to say that it is time to be induced. As I sit I catalogue all of the body parts that hurt, ache, or are swollen. Then I remind myself how lucky I am to a) be pregnant, b) not have to wait until 40 weeks to deliver, and c) be having such a great pregnancy that my doctor feels confident pushing the dates back. Sometimes it is hard to keep perspective.
We are down to the last week and a half and part of me is super excited and the other half is quietly going insane. I really want to have this child; I love it already and really want to meet it. On the other hand, I have no idea what I am going to do once it gets here. Add those feelings of inadequacy to my building anxiety (my last child was gone at this same week gestation), and you have the makings for a crazy person.
Thankfully, between my husband, prayer, work, and loving family members, we are keeping the crazy thoughts to a minimum, and focusing in on the happy, excited stuff.
On a lighter note, you should see me try to bend to pick things up. It is a riot! Add that to the waddling, and I am quite the sight most days.

The Fat Lady is Singing, and We All Know what that Means!

2010-04-05T22:27:00.003-06:00

I AM DONE. Sick of multiple bathroom trips, constant heartburn, and my husband's chuckling as I waddle up and down stairs.

With only a few weeks left now I am trying to patient and grateful for the wonderful experience of pregnancy, but, I will admit to struggling a little. The physical discomfort is only one thing. As I get closer to when my last child was born, I am getting a little anxious and I have to keep reminding myself to relax and be faithful.

This pregnancy has been so different from my last and there is no reason to think that it will have anything but a happy ending. The baby is big, healthy, and extremely active. For this, I am very grateful. My health has also been great, so I can remember to be thankful for these blessings. It is only when I am alone during the day or during the middle of the night when doubt tries to seep in and ruin my happy thoughts. Oh well, as I said, only a few weeks left, then the real fun begins!

Thanks for listening to the whine, I promise to try to be better.

Ready for baby?

2010-02-25T17:02:00.002-06:00

8 weeks left.
Dr. Schubert has decided that this baby is going to be delivered early, and I have 2 months to get my head ready. Physically, I am absolutely ready. I am almost impatient for this baby to come. I feel as though I have been pregnant for three years, and, if you include the time trying to get pregnant, the time being pregnant, and the short times in between pregnancies, it has been pretty close to that amount of time waiting for a baby.

Mentally, there are so many things racing through my head that I am concerned that the crazy is going to come bursting out through my ears! I nearly had a panic attack the other day because I couldn't remember what the book said about cleaning the new baby's belly button. Really, belly button angst. What a stupid thing to get stressed about! I am also driving Mark crazy with my "nesting." Most nights I am up until after 2 am reorganizing and throwing things out. I can't help it. Giant ball of crazy, remember.

Anyway, time will tell how the next weeks go.

Fat and Sassy!

2010-01-29T10:23:00.002-06:00

No one ever told me how different one pregnancy can be from another. I honestly have to say that if this is what normal pregnancies are like, then I would probably do it again.
Life is good. Lots of tests and scans and all of that, but Sprout appears to be growing well and is certainly making its prescence known in the form of twists, turns, and boots to the tummy.
The thing that is seriously throwing me off is the weight thing. Still losing weight this time, but I am bigger girth wise than I was when I delivered last time. I actually look pregnant this time. It is a little weird. Oh well, there are worse things in life than a tummy bump.
Baby comes in 12 weeks! crazy!

News! aka the stuff miss laura was hinting about

2009-11-18T13:52:00.002-06:00

So, anyone heard any news about me lately? I have! Apparently there is change coming in the future, in the form of a 6-8 pound delivery in May.

Okay, enough beating around the bush, as it were. Mark and I are very pleased and excited to announce that we are expecting again. Baby will be arriving no later than mid-May.

So far, everything is great and we have no thoughts that are contrary to that. Sorry to have kept it quiet for awhile, but that is just how we do things.

Thanks to all who found out early and managed to keep it under wraps. We appreciate the effort.

Bit of a drought

2009-10-18T21:28:00.002-06:00

So, been a while. My only excuse is that I have been busy. Mark and I are finally in our new place. It feels great to be getting settled in and comfortable. We are still working out some bumps etc. but I think that everything is going to be great.

My dad had surgery this week. He had his knee replaced and I have spent a piece of each day in the hospital with him making sure that he had what he needed and that he was okay.

Both Mark and I have been playing pass the flu. I feel that we have switched off for the last month. I hate being sick! I feel like I can't get anything done. Kari is going to fire me from Young Women's if I don't get my act together. My words, not her's.

So that is my life right now. Centered around family, church, and work. As usual. Man, my update is boring! If only there was something interesting to say! Oh well. Maybe next post!

Havin' a bad day

2009-08-12T11:44:00.003-06:00

I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never going to keep me down!

This has become my own personal chant today. Not even noon. Depressing! Sometimes, you just gotta have a bad day.

Overdue Update

2009-08-06T11:32:00.002-06:00

I guess that I should follow up on my promise to tell all about what we did on the anniversary of Eric's birth. Sorry for the wait.

Well, I was really curious to know what was worse- the anticipation, or the day itself. Without a doubt, it was the anticipation. Or, to be honest, it was the day before. This was the worst day that I have had in a really long time. That evening was so long. During the day wasn't so bad. I was busy with clients and had no real time to reflect. But as the evening approached, I found myself watching the clock, without really knowing why. Suddenly it hit me that I was watching and remembering what had happened at this exact time last year.

When it was that I thought something was wrong.
When I picked Mark up so that we could go to the hospital.
When I was admitted.
When they did the first tests.
When they told us our baby was gone.
When we had to make phone calls.
and so on and so forth.

Hideous, ugly, horrifying thoughts poured into my mind. Things that I thought that I had forgotten came flowing back into my mind with perfect clarity. All night long I was plagued with these thoughts and with them came fear. Fear of having to do this with future pregnancies. Finally in anguish I turned to Mark and asked him to help me find relief with a prayer. Thank goodness for righteous husbands who put aside their own grief to help with someone else.

The next day was fine. We went to breakfast together. I went shopping with my sister in law (really, a sister of the heart) who made sure I was okay. Mark and I had a nap. Then we went out for a wonderful supper together to celebrate our son. We went to the cemetery to pick to weeds and reflect. Then we came home and chilled out for the rest of the night. A good time was had by all.

We know that our son is doing great. How many parents can say that with total conviction? We love him, miss him, but we are ready for all that the future has to hold.

Thanks for all of the flowers, mementos, etc. that so many were kind enough to drop off. We love you and are very thankful that you are our friends.

Anticipation

2009-07-21T11:07:00.004-06:00

Is anticipation of an event worse than the actual event itself? This next Saturday officially marks one year since we had our son. I have been dreading this day for some time now. There are a lot of reasons for the dread. Most people feel that a year is all the time needed to effectively mourn someone, so we shouldn't be sad anymore. I can honestly say that we have very few days now where we are crying and sad, but I don't think that you can put a time limit on grief. It is a process that seems to cycle, where there are good days and some that are not so good. I am not going to beat myself up if I have a day where I am sad.

Another reason why I am dreading this day is because I am not sure how to commemorate it. That sounds kind of weird, but I love my son and he is very real to me. I don't want his life to mean nothing within our little family. I want to start some traditions now for this day that we can continue when we have our other children, so that they can feel connected to him. This is where my dilemma starts. I am not sure what to do, because I don't want to do anything that is sad and depressing. I want it to be a celebration of a life so special that it couldn't continue on earth. We have some ideas and hopefully we will come to a decision soon.

I also hate that I am feeling guilty that we are happy and doing okay. My support group met at the beginning of the month, we do this when each person is about to hit their one year. I was doing great and was pretty vocal about this and why we were feeling good. One of the girls is having a great deal of trouble though. She just hit her one year last month and I felt bad that she was feeling so lost and was doing everything she could to hold onto her daughter. I felt guilty that she was hurting and I felt good. I guess that this is just something else to get my head around.

I'll let you know what we end up doing and how the day goes.

A Wild Weekend

2009-07-13T01:12:00.002-06:00

Friday: Frantically trying to get laundry, cleaning, and packing done while doing clients and making phone calls. As well as lighting a fire under my husband so that he would help me get things ready.
Left one and a half hours later than planned. Took my aunt home on the way to Regina where this wild weekend takes place.
Got to Regina (Ian's place) around 6:30pm, picked up Christine at the hospital where she works and then we went to the grocery store. We picked up some stuff for supper and we went back to Ian's place and i made a lovely supper of pork, wild rice and mushroom pilaf, and broccoli with a cream sauce.
Saturday: Got up early! 4 adults to get ready (Christine likes an hour and a half to get ready), and out the door by 7am. We did the 8 am session at the Temple with Mark's sister Lisa who drove in that morning. The session was packed (woohoo!).
Christine and I then went and babysat Eli Butler so that his parents could do a session together, while Mark, Lisa , and Ian helped with the YSA Temple trip.
We all went for lunch at Applebee's and then we shopped! I found the Mecca of rubber duck stores and I should be given an award for restraining myself in that place. I only bought twelve. They had over 150 different ducks! We went to a few other great stores and I may have purchased some other items. It was a wonderful afternoon.
We were tired. Everybody slept, I knit. We had BBQ for supper and we played cards (Which I won!) and just chilled for the rest of the evening.

Sunday: Mark and I relaxed into the day, and drove home peaceful and happy after a great weekend with family and friends who might as well be family as they fit so nicely in our hearts. At the center of our weekend was the Temple, so how could we go wrong.

We can't wait to do it again!

Belated Anniversary Post- this is dedicated to the one I love!

2009-06-30T12:59:00.002-06:00

By now, I hope that it is quite clear that I love and adore my wonderful husband. He is my world. On the 24th, we celebrated 3 years of marriage, and oh, what a marriage it has been so far. I joked to my mother that we have done more living in 3 years of marriage, than many couples do in ten. So we should have smooth sailing for the next 7 years, right?!

Here are some of the highlights of our time together:

1: Our first official meeting: I had demanded an introduction after hearing a sexy, deep voice answer a question in institute class. He had a gauze covered thumb, because he had tried to cut it off while drywalling the basement.
2: Our first real date: Sitting through three hours of King Kong with me covering my eyes while giant bugs ate the people on the screen.
3: The question game: A way to get to know him and to ask him all of the questions that I was afraid to ask, like did he love me?
4: The first time he said he loved me: I cried, what, didn't you!
5: When he proposed: a long awful day, followed by me storming up to my room to put something away, and wondering what was all over my floor, realizing that it was flowers and that there was a ring box sitting open on my chair.
6: Our wedding day: thinking everything would be great because we would belong to each other forever.
7: Our first few months: floating on a cloud, probably making our families ill with the PDAs.
8: First conflicts: Health, thesis work, stress, work, fertility
9: First sad tears: first miscarriage
10: Best vacation: driving out to the coast with Mark for a two and a half week long vacation.
11: Best surprise: finding out that we were pregnant, on New Year's Eve, and then I threw up. Morning sickness begins!
12: Worst vacation: driving out to Seattle for Ian's wedding
13: Silliest moment: catching him singing one of my made up songs as he did a little booty shake. (this has happened numerous times!)
14: Worst Moment: Do I really need to write it? The moment that we realized that we would have to wait until the eternities to get to know our child, again.
15: Best anniversary gift: This year's! A beautiful diamond and sapphire necklace!
16: Best moment: Every Single Day that I get to wake up next to this wonderful, caring, loving, intelligent, handsome man that I am privileged to call my husband.

There have been good times, bad times, and times in between. I wouldn't get rid of any of them if it meant that I would have to be without Mark. He is my everything.

A Month in Summary

2009-05-20T22:39:00.003-06:00

Oh Wow! Can it really be a month since my last post. Oops! Sorry, I have been busy, and to quote a classic movie, "There is too much, let me sum up!"

1) Mark has started work on our new basement suite. Work is progressing at a good rate and we hope to be in by September.

2) I have been working long hours and now, at the request (read-command) of my husband I will be trying to take a day off and work less than 12-14 hours a day.

3) I am no longer in the primary (WOOHOO!) and now I am shepherding around young girls in the hope that they will grow into upstanding adults. They certainly won't learn that from me. Now, sarcasm on the other hand, they may learn in spades!

4)I now knit. My first project is this huge afghan for Mark and I am about to finish.

5) I have read approximately 200 books

6) My brother and his wife and kids left me to explore the south. I was sad, but not so sad when I remembered what it is like to travel with small children. Suckers!

7) I got a great new recipe for crock pot oatmeal that is awesome! (and really healthy!)

8) Mark and I have decided to put our future family on hold (we are not trying to have a baby for a while). Instead we are neck and neck in a competition that will result in me being awesome and winning. That Mark is cagey, but I shall triumph!

I guess that this is about it for the last little while. We had some ups and downs this month emotionally with Mother's day and the first anniversary of my grandmother's death all coming on top of one another. But, all in all, things are good, and look to be getting even better.

Nothing Exciting Ever Happens to Me

2009-04-20T15:17:00.004-06:00

Now, I don't want to sound as though I am whining, but maybe I am, just a little bit. Several times a day I am asked a question that I have learned to dread. It is "what's new?" There are several variations to the original, but the theme remains the same. Mainly, everyone expects something noteworthy to have happened since last they saw me.

News Flash people, exciting things don't generally happen to me. I do the same things everyday with very few additions or substitutions. I live vicariously through other people and hope that someday I will have interesting stuff to share.

That Day is Today!!!

Guess what,

I had hardly wiped the sleep from my eyes when I came to the realization that while I slept, my husband had somehow disappeared. I panicked and ran from the room to try to find him. He was no where to be found. I, for no apparent reason, decided to call off the hunt and do something else, like go for a sail in my pirate ship, of which I am the captain of course.

Whilst sailing, I came across an unusual island. I decided to pull into port and take a peak around. There were waterfall and palm trees and hot springs. I decided to stick around for a while and see what happened. My first mate, Heffie the elephant, was not happy with this decision and started a mutiny aboard the ship. I was not feeling confrontational and decided to let them have the ship and I would wait for the next one to come along to get home. Alas, Heffie sucked at steering and my ship, The Stylist, was lost at sea. the only survivors were Frank and Julie, the stuffed fish, who could swim.

Mark reappeared just as I was watching my ship float away and we stretched out on the sand, drank cool fruity juices, and enjoyed the sunset on the horizon.

I will never eat honey roasted peanuts before bed ever again! Messed Up Dream!!!

But it definitely gives me something to say when I am asked what is new.

The End

2009-03-29T17:29:00.002-06:00

I went to my last support group meeting this week. It was so hard to say goodbye to these women, and it has only been a couple of months! It was such a blessing to be involved with this group at this point of my life. I needed to be here at this time to help these women and to be helped by them. I needed to spend this time dwelling on my faith. I needed to think about the love that I have for my children who have come and gone and the love I will have for the ones who are yet to come (this is not an announcement by any means!). I have discovered hidden strengths within my self that maybe would have taken years to surface.

It gave me an opportunity to tell these women my testimony and to share my love for my Heavenly Father on a weekly basis. I love the way women can come together to lift each other up when we feel weak, scared, or overwhelmed. It makes me thankful for the innate qualities of women.

So I remain thankful and in awe of the strength of women.

A Poetic Birthday Blog

2009-03-27T17:14:00.003-06:00

I don't know why, but whenever I think about the great love that I have for my husband, I get a little poetic. I was thinking alot about him this week because of his 26th birthday (yes, I realize that he looks a great deal younger!). I took a poetry class in university (needed the English credit) and for some reason, I began reading the anthology again just the other day. That was when I discovered this:

A Red, Red Rose

By: Robert Burns

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,

That's newly sprung in June;

O my Luve's like the melodie

That's sweetly played in tune.-

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

So deep in luve am I;

And I will love thee still, my dear,

Till a'the seas gang dry.-

Till a'the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt wi' the sun:

O I will love thee still, my dear,

While the sands o' life shall run.-

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,

And fare thee weel awhile!

And I will come again, my Luve,

Though it were ten thousand mile!-

Now granted, ol' Robbie was talking about some lovely lass, not my great strapping husband, but the thought is there. I can't believe that another year has passed and he is another year older. Happy birthday my love, here's to an eternity more!

The Power of Imagination

2009-03-17T11:04:00.002-06:00

So, I read a scary book last night. It wasn't gory, crude, explicit, or creepy. It was just scary. It was a book that relied on the imagination of the reader to fill in the blanks of the story to make it as creepy as you could handle. Unfortunately for me, my brain fills in way more than I can handle. Probably wasn't my best plan to read it in the middle of the night, but I was up and bored.

While we are on the subject, why is it that it is in the middle of the night that the house decides to "settle?" Or, that the furnace kicks in with frightening irregularity? Or, the person beside you suddenly cries out in a dream? None of these things are good when one is deeply engrossed in a scary book!

I made myself scared. There was no sleeping after that book. Stupid book! Well, not really, but you understand. I blame my parents for giving us too much time to explore and develop an imagination. If they had been like everyone else's parents, we would have had our minds ruined with television until we could think of nothing outside of what was directly told us.

Wait, perhaps I should be thanking them, instead of scolding them. Thanks mom and dad for making it possible for me to nearly wet myself at 3:15 am when the furnace kicked in just as the lady walked into the dark room by herself. It was a great moment, and one that I am very happy had no witnesses.

Viva Las Vegas!

2009-03-08T19:41:00.005-06:00

Currently a bunch of my family members are living it up in Vegas, and I have to be honest when I tell you that I am a lovely shade of green about it. I love the idea of Vegas. I don't care about the gambling (obviously), but it is the history that makes me want to be there. I have a confession to make for those who are unaware, I LOVE Elvis. He makes my heart flutter. And more than Graceland, Vegas says Elvis to me.

I am also a huge fan of the Rat Pack, you know, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. They were so awesome. Crooners. I am such a sucker for them.

Anyway, my family is there, and I am stuck here freezing. I am, however, looking forward to a showgirl rubber ducky that my mother is trying to find for me.

And the Winner is....

2009-03-03T23:08:00.003-06:00

So I am sure you were all watching religously as the poor befuddled bachelor picked his girl, and then changed his mind. Not entirely sure how I feel about it. It was like he tried Melissa on for size, didn't like the fit, and then decided that Molly might suit him better. Kind of weird.

I laughed through most of the final episode and the after the rose stuff. Probably not nice of me, but I couldn't help it. Melissa sounded so fake. Also, I hate it when people talk about themselves in the third person: "Melissa was who you chose, but now you don't want to fight for Melissa!" Sheesh! Give me a break. Not that I would have behaved much better.

So now it is all over. Thank goodness Top Model starts this week. Bad television is so entertaining.

In other news: work is busy, I have a sinus cold, I found a new cookie recipe that I love, my support group is awesome!, and my parents leave in two days for Vegas (we get their cars!). All in all, not that interesting, but c'est la vie!

Isn't She Lovely...

2009-02-22T14:29:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the family Jenna Catherine Chantel Spencer. Arrived 4:10pm Thursday. We are very excited that she is finally here (even though she came early). Look at all of that hair.

A Late Valentine

2009-02-17T10:33:00.004-06:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and Ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,

I shall love thee better after death.

What wonderful words. I wish that I could claim them, but that is some straight up Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She said it best. Nothing says love like a sonnet from the 1800s.

Hope

2009-02-16T17:46:00.003-06:00

As most of you know, it has been quite the year for me. We have had so many ups and downs, I was beginning to get dizzy! Last Friday, I had finally had enough! I burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen, and sobbing uncontrollably, I tried to explain to my wonderful, understandably concerned husband, what was going on.

I think that I, to use a horrible cliche, had reached the end of my tether, and it all came pouring out. The doubts, the fears, the feelings of hurt and inadequacy. My poor mind. It literally hurt to let all of these private thoughts out of my head and share them with Mark. And finally, when I had run through them all, I simply stated that I needed some hope. I needed to know that things were going to get better. Then, in the form of a teary husband, I found what I had been blindly searching for. What a guy. After watching his wife slowly grow hysterical, he calmly told me he loved me, and he wouldn't have me any other way.

Thank the Lord for patient husbands who continue to love us, even when the crazy comes out.

On another note, after getting out the bad vibes, we had a long talk, a long prayer, and a feeling of Hope came to both of us.

A Show of Support

2009-02-10T22:21:00.002-06:00

So after weeks of nervousness and brief moments of panic, I made my way to my very first support group this evening. I don't think "Terrified" fully communicates my feelings on the subject.

To explain: Back in November, I was approached by the wife of one of my clients regarding her desire to be part of a support group that was specifically for mothers of stillborn children. She wanted to know if I was interested in attending with her. At the time I said, sure, whatever, and promptly forgot about it. Then it started to get more serious before Christmas, when I started communicating with a coordinator for the HOPE group. Sherry is a wonderful woman and she took on the responsibility of leading this sorry group of women through the initial stages of grief. Again, I agreed to be a part of the group, not really sure why I was doing so. I have not felt a lack of support during the last few months, and by her own admission, my situation was quite different from the other women in the group. Still, I felt like it was something that I needed to do, and after tonight I am so glad that I did. Tears were shed, stories were told, and feelings were felt. It was so nice to be in a setting where you didn't need to explain all of the emotions that you run through in a day, week, or month. These women, though very different, all came together with a common goal; we needed to talk and to be understood. We needed each other. This group is really interesting because it is a Christian-based group, and at the end, Sherry asked us all to tell her where we were with our spirituality. She wanted to know if we belonged to a church and how we felt towards God. It was wonderful to share my love for my Heavenly Father and to say what an integral part He has played in not only my healing, but also in my survival in hard times. There was a woman attending this evening that admitted that she was currently asking questions about God and faith,etc. I felt very drawn to her and I wonder if she is part of the reason why I felt a need to be a part of this group. Time will tell.

Anyway, to summarize, it was not easy, but it was good.

Sickness

2009-02-08T17:27:00.002-06:00

–adjective
1.
afflicted with ill health or disease; ailing.
2.
affected with nausea; inclined to vomit.
3.
deeply affected with some unpleasant feeling, as of sorrow, disgust, or boredom: sick at heart; to be sick of parties.
4.
mentally, morally, or emotionally deranged, corrupt, or unsound: a sick mind; wild statements that made him seem sick.
5.
characteristic of a sick mind: sick fancies.
6.
dwelling on or obsessed with that which is gruesome, sadistic, ghoulish, or the like; morbid: a sick comedian; sick jokes.
7.
of, pertaining to, or for use during sickness: He applied for sick benefits.

I particularly enjoy #4. One question, if you were not of sound mind, would you know? or, would someone have to point it out for you? I don't believe that this is the sickness from which I am currently suffering (though, as previously discussed, would you even know?!), my situation seems to be closer to #1. Never fear, I am on the mend after a day of sleep in a chair (but my butt hurts a little). I hope that you enjoyed your Sunday.

My Latest obsession

2009-02-04T22:08:00.003-06:00

*sigh!* I didn't think that I needed yet another reality television show to become addicted to, but now it seems like every Monday I am obsessed with who receives this silly longstemmed red rose. Who do you want to win the whole thing? I root for Molly.

opps-i forgot

2009-02-01T14:41:00.002-06:00

I love my class; I love my grouchy husband; I love that people trust us to teach their children the fundamentals of the gospel; I love that I get to be reminded every week that Heavenly Father loves me. How grateful I am that I have been given this opportunity to teach.

There. I just needed to remind myself that I am grateful. Bad mood gone.

I love Children, really...really I do

2009-02-01T13:18:00.002-06:00

So, primary is fun. Especially when you have kids who all want things their way, all want to talk at the same time, have no interest in the lesson (despite hours of work trying to make it fun), and feel that the chairs are there to repeatedly jump off of, as well as a husband who has a cold and therefore has absolutely no patience.

We have been primary teachers for two and a half years now and we have been given the classes that they think need extra work. Awesome. I truly enjoy our new class, but there are days that I miss our last class. We had them trained. These guys are a new challenge. Their last teacher said today that he was sure that we would have our hands full because they hadn't tried to contain them at all. Great. I think that things will be just fine, but today I am tired.

I have often thought that I needed to learn patience, and maybe that is why we are still in primary. The worst part is that the child that is the least behaved is my nephew!

The end of absence

2009-01-25T15:03:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life interceeded, 'nuff said!

So to update:
1: work continues to be an integral part of my life. It has been a combination of therapy and stress. My clients make life possible some days and challenging on other days. It has been great to share about eternal families and the gospel with them when they ask how come Mark and I are coping so well.
2: Mark is working hard this year in school. He is doing really well and I am so proud to help and support him whenever I can. He is my strength. I don't even want to contemplate what life would be without him.
3: Mark's sister, Deanna, had her baby 8 weeks early, and we are all thankful that Jacob is happy, healthy, and (holy crap!) is chunky! She is adjusting to life with 5 boys.
4: My sister in law, Chantel, is 4 weeks away from her own new arrival. We are so excited for this new baby girl to show up and join our family. When she comes, there will be a tie between the boy and girl grandchildren on our side of the family. She will also be the first girl born in our family in 6 years.

I think that this covers most of the changes in our lives. I am sure that I missed some of them. I am so excited for this new year and for all of the opportunities that come with it. This last year was really challenging physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. I continue to be amazed at the grace of our Heavenly Father. The sacrifice of Christ saves me when I am rife with doubt and fear for the future. I am grateful for the life that I have been given, trials and all.

I am also grateful for friends who take to time to comfort, even when it is in the middle of a busy Sunday (thanks Donna, Sachie, Amy, and Sharon). Today was a hard day, 6 months to the day, but when I think of it in the eternal perspective, I remember that it is a drop in the bucket.

On a different note: stay tuned for treadmill stories! You haven't lived until you have seen Jess running!

6 week update

2008-09-08T09:48:00.003-06:00

It has now been six weeks since I gave birth and I have to say that I am doing surprisingly well, physically. I didn't expect such a rapid return to health, but I am thankful for it. I went to my specialist to get any answers that he had to give. It was one of the best doctor's appointments of my life.

Dr Schubert is a fantastic ob/gyn and I have enjoyed working with him. He is very intuitive, so that makes it easier to ask him questions because he already knows what you want to ask. He told me that I was healing ahead of schedule, so that is nice. He answered all of the questions we had about what caused Eric's death and about subsequent pregnancies. To fill in the blanks a little, I am apparently an anomaly. Eric's death should not have happened, according to the medical professionals. This just confirms to me yet again that this was what Eric chose and that it would have happened regardless. I am so lucky that this was my faith confirming/testing trial. I am handling the resulting situation as best I can with the help of a wonderful husband and Heavenly Father. They give me the extra strength that I need when I feel like I have run out.

My doctor also went into great detail regarding what will happen from conception to delivery in the next pregnancy. Needless to say, I will be a pincushion and also an ultrasound pro by the time the next baby arrives.

Thanks again for the prayers and hugs. I want you to know that you are also a source of strength to me when I am feeling low. The death of a child in something that I wasn't prepared for, how could I be? It is through association with good people that I was doing the things that I needed to be doing in order to have faith in this situation. So again, thank you for your presence in my life.

Laughter and family

2008-08-27T10:36:00.007-06:00

This weekend my wonderful husband and I decided to get out of Dodge for a while and visit my brother and his wife in Regina. It was a lot of fun, particularly because my other brother and his wife and kids was also in Regina. The three of us (my 2 brothers and I) are quite close. We moved into the city together when Andrew got back from Iowa and lived together until Andrew got married a year later. Ian and I continued to live together for a number of years after that. We had a fun time together. Now that we are all married, the cast of characters has changed a little, but I think that these additions have only made things better for all of us.

My family has always been a source of comfort and support for me. I only have brothers, and most people tell me that it is weird that we are all so close. My brothers have always been a strong influence on me, sometimes to my mother's chagrin. They are constantly making sure that I am okay, and their homes (as we got older) were a sanctuary where I could go to escape anything, even myself. My sister in laws are all wonderful, and have made my brothers who they are today. Thank goodness for the influence of women!

To get back to this weekend, we came , we saw, we laughed!

The Natural History Museum has been my favourite spot in Regina since I was probably three years old. I was so much fun to go there with my brothers, their spouses and children, and our very good friends (Russ, Beth, and Eli; whom we claim as family, whether they like it or not!). Eli was a little scared of Mega Munch, but I think that he did quite well.

Pictures to come later.

Life goes on

2008-08-09T10:05:00.002-06:00

So it has been two weeks since I thought that my world was ending, and thankfully, it didn't end.

I am so thankful for the support and love and prayers that so many people have sent our way. I am especially grateful for the space that people have given Mark and I. We have been slowly starting our lives back up and getting back into the swing of things. I think that it is because of all of the prayers that this has been a fairly painless process. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful, uplifting people.

My faith continues to grow as I become more and more sure that my son chose this path for his life and I remember all of the things that I have been taught and that I learned regarding agency and eternity. I am thankful for my trials, because I know that there are people who suffer so much more than me. I am blessed with two children who didn't need to live to be tried and tested, they just needed a body and Heavenly Father trusted me to be the one to give that to them and then raise them later.

I wouldn't have wished this circumstance on anyone, but I am glad that my Heavenly Father thinks that I am strong enough to handle it, so that is what I am going to do. I am lucky that I get to be surrounded by wonderful women who are having good, healthy pregnancies. I have lots of friends and family who are expecting and I love that their situation is different than mine, because I need to know that good pregnancies happen. Children are a blessing and I am lucky to not have feelings of jealousy or bitterness towards those who have them. I think that this is another blessing, because, I think that it would be hard to be at church or even to be in this world if you harboured those kind of feelings.

I am sorry for the long post, but I felt the need to update. And, really, everyone who reads this knows that I can never shut up. See you all at some point.

Our Chosen Spirit

2008-07-30T15:19:00.002-06:00

So most of you have probably heard that our beloved child has had his calling and election made sure and has returned to dwell with Heavenly Father. For those of you who have not yet heard, I will tell you what I can.
Our baby stopped moving on Thursday, and that night we had confirmation that the baby had died. I will spare all the details and let you know that on Friday I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby boy. We named him Eric Andrew John Kilistoff. He was buried today at 11AM surrounded by family who will have to wait to know him.

We are so sad, but we have been so blessed through this entire process with loving family, caring doctors and nurses, and an abundance of inspiration and revelation regarding our beautiful son. I have a Father in heaven who knows and loves me. I am so thankful for my faith and the knowledge of the gospel that I have. This has given me comfort as I think of my son and the relationship that we will have to wait to have. He is our son and because we are an eternal family, he will always be our son.

Thank you to all who have tried to contact us or talked to our parents. We love and appreciate the support and prayers. We are still trying to get our heads back on straight before we really feel comfortable with people again. So thank you in advance for giving us space.

The Countdown is ON!

2008-07-16T17:08:00.002-06:00

So, after a very interesting meeting with my specialist, it seems that this baby is going to make an early appearance, rather than wait the full time. The question is, when?! Due to my continued problems with blood pressure, the doctor doesn't feel that it is safe for me to go full term and is contemplating a scheduled induction. He is just waiting on a series of tests to decide when the day is that we will start everything. If the baby is developing on schedule, and I am still a rollercoaster of pressures, then they will deliver ASAP. If they can stabilize me, then they will try to wait until 37 weeks before they induce me.

I will admit to being a little scared, mainly because of all of the unknown elements. The when, where, how, sort of stuff. I am really hoping to avoid a C-section if at all possible, just for the recovery aspect of things. I think that other than that I am ready, my bags are almost packed, and everything is pretty much done. Come what may!

I will update as often as I know anything different, but it looks as though baby Kilistoff will be appearing in a home near you in less than 3 weeks!

Wish me luck!

To My One and Only

2008-06-24T09:45:00.003-06:00

How does one fully express the depth of everlasting love? Easy, you can't, so you show it in eveything you do and say. That is what you do for me everyday.

I love you so much.

Happy Anniversary.

Just Being Calm

2008-06-13T13:39:00.002-06:00

thank you so much for the advice from you all. I really appreciate that you took the time to help me. To all who don't know, my blood pressure has come down a little now that life has gotten a little calmer. I am trying to make sure that I take time every day to rest and spend time bonding with the baby to be. Some days are better than others. My mom has been a huge help with taking me to appointments and being a sounding board for all of my insane worries. There are less than 10 weeks until this baby arrives and i am trying to make all of the big decisions now so that I am ready for when it arrives.

As I have never done this before, I have a little question for all of those who have done this a time or two; What is one thing you wish people would have told you prior to having your baby that would have made the first few weeks at home easier? Also, if anyone has any reccommendations of a good "first years" or new baby book, that would be most welcome.

Again, thank you for the advice, I am doing my best to listen to both it and my doctor's.

Advice needed

2008-05-20T18:32:00.000-06:00

Hello All!

After a particularly depressing doctor's visit today, I am in need of some advice. My weight has gone down again and my blood pressure is way up. Can anyone offer some advice at how to get me to relax without exerting too much effort, as I am officially banned from strenuous activity. I want to get my blood pressure back down so that I can continue this pregnancy without worrying. Thankfully, it is not so high as to worry about preclampsia or anything, it is just way higher than it has been during the rest of the pregnancy.

Advice is welcome.

It's so hard to say goodbye.

2008-05-05T10:48:00.002-06:00

How does one fully express one's self at the passing of a loved one? You can reminisce about the time spent together, cry about the missed opportunities for the future, or .... what? My beloved Grandma passed away very suddenly this weekend, and I must admit that I am at a loss at how to express what I feel. I am devastated for sure, but there is this edge of surealism that is preventing the healing process, because I just can't believe that she is really gone.

I have great bunch of siblings that are reaching out to help my mother at this time. I don't think that most people would consider a 57- year-old who has lost both parents to be a orphan, but I know that this is how she feels. I think that the greatest blessing to come out of this is now we can give my grandmother the opportunity to accept the gospel and be sealed to my grandfather. No one in my mother's family is a member of our church, but they worked very hard to be supportive of the things that were important to us like when my brothers went on missions and when we were all married in the Temple. considering we were their only grandchildren, I thought that this was very nice.

My grandmother was a vital part of my life. I am not close with my dad's family at all, but my mom's family was always there for every important occasion, be it dance recitals, band concerts, graduations, etc. She was also there for the non important stuff, the evey day stuff. And it was through these occasions that I learned how important she was to me. My best memories of childhood involve sitting on this high stool in her sunny kitchen swinging back and forth as I told her some tale (always exaggerated) and she patiently listened as she was making something and then said, "well, that was sure some story Miss Jessie, are you sure that this is how it happened?" My grandma always called me Miss Jessie. She had since I was little, and continued to this day.

I loved my grandma and I will miss her so terribly. My biggest regret is that my children will not have the opportunity to know her personally. Love you and Miss you Grandma.

Hildegard Betty Binnie

December 26, 1924-May 3, 2008

Beloved Mother, Grandmother, and Friend

It's a....!!!

2008-04-24T09:37:00.002-06:00

HUMAN! Yahoo!

So, to explain, I went for my ultrasound the other day and we confirmed that this being within me is of the human variety,(what a relief!) and that it has all of it's important limbs etc. Anyone who has spoken to me as of the last couple of weeks knows that I have been having nightmares about a one armed baby, so it was quite a relief to have them confirm, several times at my request, that the baby did indeed have two arms. I have to admit that after this appointment, I have been feeling really good about the whole pregnancy thing. It relieved my mind that the baby was healthy and whole.

I didn't find out what I was having. This is for a few reasons. First, I didn't want to. Second, the baby wouldn't have let the tech find out even if I wanted to know. She had to chase it around just to get the pictures that she needed. It was really funny to watch how frustrated that she was getting.

The baby is very long and skinny and has a perfect turned up nose. The tech was really cute when she saw the profile of the baby. she sighed and said, " oh, this is going to be a cute baby, look at it, it is just perfect!" Now I realize that she probably says this to every nervous expectant mother, but I still felt really good when she said that.

I guess I just keep incubating and hope that the baby doesn't get too much bigger. Long and skinny is just fine for me.

Oh, and I find out the results of my gestational diabetes check today. Wish me luck!

Over Halfway

2008-04-09T21:48:00.003-06:00

Hello all,

I am now officially out of hiding, or at least I finally feel like I am coming out of the fog that has been surrounding me for months. I am now over halfway through my pregnancy and the fog of sickness, worry, and doubt has begun to lift away from me. I have spent so much time and energy being scared that something awful would happen again during this pregnancy, that I don't think that I enjoyed it very much, so I am making more of an effort for the second half.

Work is ridiculous! I was so worried that when I told my clients to expect a brief absence in late August and Early September, that many would find another, non-pregnant stylist to go see. Thankfully, this has not been the case and I am very blessed that they are as excited, if not more so, than me and they have been so supportive and loving. I guess this is what happens when you have clients for many years.

I miss Mark. He has only been working for a few days and already I feel like he is gone all the time. I am sad and emotional, most of which I blame on hormones. This was just made worse yesterday when I found out that Mark would not be able to come to our ultrasound, even though I have moved the appointment several times. I just never expected to be alone for it. I guess that this is just something that happens. I am sure that he will be there for other ultrasounds, so I should get that stiff upper lip thing going.

This is not nearly the fun and up beat post that I had planned on writing, so I will leave you with a cute little story. Tonight a very dear friend came over with her little boy and he crawled for the first time in my living room. He also almost said his first word "fish" as he was looking intently at my huge angel fish. He said "fshhh", that almost counts, right?

Goodbye Mickey!

2008-03-11T19:31:00.004-06:00

i know that this may sound mean, but I hate mice. I realize that in the creation, that all animals were placed on the earth for a reason. This does not mean that I need to love them all. This principle particularly applies when the aforementioned animal has taken up residence in one's home. Translation, we had a mouse in our house! I do say had, as he is no longer with us, nor is he anywhere else (unless you count the garbage can out back).

Our home is old and therefore prone to the little suckers and this one was cagey. He was so hard to catch because he was so little. He wouldn't set off traditional traps because he was too light. The glue traps were another story. We caught him within hours setting up the gue traps and then the big question was what to do to eliminate the poor thing. We consulted family and chose the most humane option and then we thought, yes we are mouse free. We were able to think this for approximately 1 hour until we saw his friend run across our hallway. Stupid mice! However, I am happy to report that all mice have been found and caught (there were only the two) and now we can rest in peace.

I am now in the process of steam cleaning our carpets and vacuuming everything to remove any traces of mouse inhabitation.

I am not sorry to say that we got rid of these mice. I am very glad that they are gone. I always was a fan of Donald Duck, never the mouse!

An Update

2008-03-03T16:39:00.002-06:00

I figure that eventually I will have to get in the habit of updating this more than once a month, but for right now, I guess that any update is better than none at all. I feel so cut off from the world right now. I missed church on Sunday, due to lack of sleep and patience. I love children, but some days were not meant to be spent with eight four year olds all talking at once. I love that I have a husband who was willing to take it for the team and do everything himself.

I have been receiving a great many phone calls lately, and I figured that I would settle everything now so that there is no more confusion. Yes, I have been in the hospital lately, but it was not serious and everything is fine. Yes, I am still throwing up, but I am now on heavy doses of anti-nausea medication to keep that under control. No, there is nothing that helps the nausea. I can and will throw up any food given to me. Yes, I am still losing weight instead of gaining. This has been a major source of concern for my doctor as I have lost 30+ pounds since conception of said baby. However, the baby is still growing and developing fine, it is just my body that is having a little trouble right now. And Finally, yes I have been throwing up blood. I have been to the doctor and everything is fine. I ruptured a blood vessel in my esophagus and it bled. It has stopped and I am good as long as I don't do it again.

I am so excited to be 4 months into this pregnancy with no major disruptions. I am blessed to have a Heavenly Father who knows me and knows what I can handle as far as trials are concerned. I am not enjoying pregnancy, but I am so super excited to be trusted with a little spirit, that I will do whatever it takes to bring it here safely.

Other than that, there is really nothing new in the house of Kilistoff, other than we bought our crib and it rocks! It is so beautiful!

Party of Three?

2008-02-18T09:38:00.002-06:00

Now for the news that everyone has been waiting for: Mark and I are expecting. Totally the worst kept secret ever! So if you didn't know, now you do; and for those who did know, thanks for trying to keep a secret. We are happy that the first trimester is behind us and we are enjoying the second much more. We have great hope that this pregnancy will go well and have a positive ending. Thank you to everyone who was such a big help when I was so sick in the beginning.

The day and night that wouldn't end

2008-02-06T14:04:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a bad day. I started throwing up at noon and couldn't stop. I was still doing a client and had to keep running away to "do stuff." So embarassing! Thankfully it was a friend and someone who was very understanding.

Then, everything seemed to calm down, except then I started to spike a fever. It is a really scary thing to not understand why you body is reacting the way that it is. After many phone calls to family for advice we had decided to wait and see what happened. My fever started to go down and we thought that we were in the clear, until it spiked again and went higher than ever.

A trip to the emergency room ensued and we were rushed into a room. My blood pressure (normally 120/77) was 149/96 and my temperature and pulse were insane. IV fluids were pushed into me for hours and blood and other samples were taken. Eventually, it was like everything decided to be calm and our prayers seemed to kick in. My temperature dropped back to normal and my blood pressure went back down to 116/63. All the blood work came back normal and we were able to come home. We were so tired but we were so happy that everything was okay.

Poor Mark. He has a paper and two midterms this week, and I manage to make it impossible to get anything done. He is such a trooper and I love him so much. As I was throwing up I just kept apologizing for screwing up his day, but he kept assuring me that I was worth the trouble. Thankfully his professors were very understanding of the situation and gave him a little repreive.

Don't worry about me, I'm on bed rest for a couple of days and then I will be fine.

You want to put what where?!

2008-01-30T19:05:00.001-06:00

So I went and had a physical today. And I know what you are automatically thinking, ew gross. I have to say though, I really don't understand why people have so much trouble going to the doctor for this sort of appointment. Sure it sucks being naked and having yourself poked. But I just think of it this way, as gross as I may feel that I look right now, I am confident that there is someone worse than me that my doctor has had to look at. I am positive that my doctor sees me as a large piece of meat that needs to be checked up on. So it really doesn't bother me. I just think of it (A physical) as a necessary evil if I want to be healthy and strong.

Do yourself a favour and go get checked out. Early detection is the best when it comes to serious problems. (not that anything is wrong with me. I just thought that I would make sure that that was well noted)

Exhaustion and Boredom

2008-01-12T10:58:00.000-06:00

Well, it has certainly been a while since the last post. I do apologize for the lack of updating, but as you can see from the title, I have been suffering from a mixture of exhaustion and boredom.

If you talk to any hairstylist, you will know that December is the month that just won't end. It doesn't matter how many hours you try to stay open there will always be someone who wants you to squeeze them in somewhere. Needless to say, I have been busy working or recovering from working.

I did really enjoy Christmas. We had a lot of fun with our families and friends. There was food, games, and some fantastic nap time! I miss being surrounded by my nieces and nephews at Christmas, though. I really think that it is the children that make Christmas so special.

I hope that everyone made some resolutions that they intend to keep. I sure did! But, I'm not going to say what they are, because then I really have to stick to them.

I hope that everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that you are settling well into the new year.

Getting Older

2007-11-30T17:41:00.000-06:00

So currently I am on the cusp of yet another birthday and I have just one question: If no one likes you when you're 23, then how do they feel about you when you are 24?

On a more serious note, I don't know if anyone else is like this, but I like to reflect when I get to a birthday. When I was in high school we were told to write out who we were going to be and what we were going to do by age 25. This was also an assignment when I was in hair school. Unfortunately, I found this list and assignment the other day while cleaning.

I say "unfortunately" because there were so many things on that list that I still haven't done, and I am running out of time. All in all, though, I was fairly proud of what I had done. I finished hair school and my degree (though the degree was in a different subject then planned); I got married and have a place to live (though not my own house); I have a job, but it isn't the one that I wanted to have; as well, I like to cook and have spent many years honing my skill, but I never took those professional cooking classes that I wanted.

I realized as I read my list, that the things that I hadn't done were the more spontaneous, adventurous things that somehow fell to the wayside when I was trying to figure the rest of my life out. I wanted (and still want) to swim with sharks in a steel cage (long story). I thought that I would have a few children by now (granted this was planned when I was 14, so cut me a little slack as to the timing thing, when you have been married for a year and a half, it would be hard to have a couple by now). I wanted to have travelled across Europe and spend several months being a lost tourist (anyone who knows my sense of direction knows that this is a distinct possibility).

I have accomplished many things and I know that I have many things yet to do, I think that I may have to change the timeline, because I am going to come up a little short!

At a loss for words

2007-11-20T10:42:00.000-06:00

I know that I have been pretty absent lately with regards to the posting, but I find myself with nothing interesting to write about. Stay tuned, something interesting is on its way, I hope!

What is this TAG you speak of?

2007-11-08T18:29:00.000-06:00

So I got tagged?! Liam you beast, how could you make me expose myself like this!

I am not very interesting, but here it goes:

1. My hair has ADHD. I need to constantly change it to be happy. (the medication helps, just kidding!)

2. I get really grouchy when I am hungry.

3. I really want to go back to university, but for a completely unrelated degree.

4. I am really claustrophobic. Like really. I can't even handle a blanket close to my face.

5. The smell of bacon makes me want to vomit.

6. I am a big clutz. I can trip when there is nothing to trip on. I bump myself on things that I have swerved to avoid.

There, happy now! I bet you all know way more than you ever wanted to. I am keeping the rest secret, so there! As for tagging others, TAG! If you read this and you haven't already done it, then consider yourself tagged.

The Comfort of Mundane things

2007-11-05T08:54:00.000-06:00

This is a typical Monday for me. I wake up, do the normal waking up/getting ready things, and I drive Mark to school. Then it is my time. I do laundry, scrub floors, etc. and then I run errands. This is my day off.
I guess that I am lucky because I don't have little people trailing behind me as I clean, systematically destroying all that I have done. But, for all the monotony of having to clean everything and do everything all day, I actually don't mind it. I feel good as I check things off my list. (Yes, there is a list, mainly becuase I am anal!) Then at the end of the day I can sit back and be glad that I did what I could to keep our home as it should be. I want Mark to be able to study in peace, not worried about the mess or anything. I will admit that there are days when it seems like too much to do in a day and that I just don't have the energy. It is on these days that I move a little slower, but I know that I can get it done.
It is amazing how much we can talk ourselves into doing.

A Shower of Brides

2007-11-04T08:54:00.000-06:00

So this weekend I was pleased (I guess) to be invited to my friend's bridal shower. She is getting married in two weeks and I am so happy for her to have found her eternal companion. This was your typical bridal shower with the usual games (Like the "What's in your purse game?" which I won!) as well as general embarassing of the bride to be. The first thing that we had to do was to write some encouragement/advice for the bride. Now, I wrote down all the things that people had told me, and I wrote down what I thought she should know, but then I hit a dead end. I stopped and I needed to think what it was that she needed to hear. Everyone is so individual that it is hard to know what kind of advice she needs. I don't know what she is dealing with inside, so I paused and took a little more time to reflect. I simply told her to relax and that life is too short to stress over the things that just don't matter.

It was at this point that the lightbulb went off above my head. I stress the silly things, I freak out (internally) about the things that don't matter. I think that we as women, particularly in our Church, feel like we are inadequate. We feel like we have to do so much more, and be so much better. I think that to some extent this is true. But, I think that so many of us have taken it to the next level.

It took a simple bridal shower for me to realize that I am being too hard on myself for the things that I am having trouble with. And if I have any advice for any woman, married or single, it is to let yourself relax a little and realize that even if you aren't perfect, you are still special and that perfection can be overrated.

the magic of books!

2007-10-31T19:32:00.000-06:00

As I read so much, I figured that I would give into peer pressure and review some of the books that I have been reading. On the side of my blog you will see some of the books that I am either currently reading or have recently read. I welcome any questions regarding the books on this list and I would love to lend anyone books that they are interested in.

First: The Book of Jane
I found this book to be very interesting. Jane starts out with an enviable life and then stuff starts to happen. It is a modern retelling of the Book of Job from the Bible.
What I liked: This was a good clean book (So hard to find!) and it tells the story of my favourite book from the Bible, so where can you go wrong. This is the 3rd book from these authors. I enjoyed and highly recommend these books as well if you are looking for interesting, clean fiction books. Email me if you would like to borrow these, or any of my other books.

Second: The Last Wife of Henry VIII
Heavy on the fiction, with just enough history to keep things interesting and flowing. This is not a book for everyone, but if you are curious about medieval history at all, this is a less painful way to start things off. This author is also a historian, so the history that she does put in the books is fairly accurate. She has written many non-fiction books that are also very interesting. Should you enjoy this book, I would also recommend The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette, also by this author and also very interesting, if not factual. She makes you really like the heroine in her books.

Third (and final for this post): The Jane Austen Book Club

Okay but not great. Language and content make this book "out" for many readers. I found the authors use of language to be blocky and not consistent. This made the book extremely hard to read, and even harder to want to read.

So there it is, an extremely short review of some of the books that I have recently read. I hope that everyone, particularly the moms out there, take even 15 minutes a day to read something that they truly enjoy. While I love classical literature, sometimes it is just fun to explore some of the new authors out there. Who knows, someday they might be the classics!

Mistress of Spices

2007-10-28T17:35:00.000-06:00

I love to cook. I feel more at home in the kitchen then I do anywhere else in my house. Traditionally the kitchen was the centre of all activity in the home and it often had the most designated space. Recently I had a spice party at my home. I have a wonderful client who sells the product and we had a wonderful time with family and friends discussing the various applications of the many spices. The range of ages was pretty amazing; from late fifties to teen aged women. As I sat there I looked around and if you had removed the modern trappings of our meeting we could have been any group of women at any stage of history. We could have been the earliest women discussing the best way to disguise the gamey flavour of a brontosaurus, or pioneer women exchanging seeds and recipes for their future homes. I felt like I was a part of a tangible thread of wonderful homemaking women passing their knowledge through the ages.
Granted this may be a little too much introspection for a simple spice party, but I just loved being surrounded by women with a similar purpose and suddenly I understood why women can be such a comfort to one another. We not only lift up others that are struggling, but we have the capacity, as well as the ability, to teach other women so that they do not need to feel inadequate for long.
I think the best thing was being able to sit next to my mother, a women that I admire above all others, and be able to discuss the spices as equals. I was able to share my knowledge of some spices and she was able to tell me about what she knew. Maybe I will have the opportunity to do this with my daughter some day.

Irrational Fear

2007-10-25T10:31:00.000-06:00

So, I have a confession to make. I hate going to the doctor. It doesn't matter if I am going for a routine checkup and that nothing is wrong, I am still scared. I'm not really sure why. I had a great doctor all through my childhood and I have a wonderful, caring doctor now.Mark is making me go to the doctor this afternoon. I really have no right to complain because I do the same to him regularly. But, I REALLY don't want to go! It was so much nicer when you were little and you went in with your mom and she told the doctor what was wrong and you (the child) did not need to even open your mouth unless asked. Now, you are the person responsible for telling the doctor what ails you and I have to say that I don't like that. I have taken so many human microbiology classes, etc, that I now look at my list of symptoms and go, well I don't want to say that one because then she'll think that I have this. And slowly, but surely, I manage to pare down my list until I feel like an idiot for even bothering her with my little problem. I am positive that this is the wrong attitude, but I just can't help myself.

I am pretty sure that I am just fine, but I am glad that I have a husband who is determined enough to make me go see the professional who will confirm this. Or, if I am wrong, be able to tell me what is going on with my body.

I may not have my mom to come with me, but at least Mark sent me with a list of symptoms, just in case I decide to forget!

Creatures of habit

2007-10-24T09:29:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have one of those mornings where, because of one event, the rest of your day seems off somehow? This morning was one such morning. The alarm didn't go off. I'm not sure if Mark hit the switch without realizing it, or what. So consequently, we had half an hour to get ready this morning instead of an hour and a half. This was no problem for me because I showered and everything last night. My poor husband had a little trouble. He hates rushing and it is a big deal if I can get him to take a shower that is less than 20 minutes in length. We managed though and got out the door only minutes after we normally do, cereal bowl in hand. So why did I feel so uncomfortable and stressed and rushed? We knew that he would be on time and that I would have no trouble getting everything else ready on time this morning.

This is my theory: that once your mind processes the fact that you are late, then it takes a while for it to back up and go "Okay, we're good, everything is fine now." I think that my mind needs a reboot button.

Insomnia

2007-10-24T00:33:00.001-06:00

I know that two posts in one day is not exactly conventional, but bear with me as I try very hard to get the hang of things. I am only on here still because I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well for weeks. As many of my family members will tell you, this is typically a sign of stress for me, but I really don't feel stressed, so I don't know what is causing it. Mark is worried and is insisting that I go and see a doctor. I don't want to go. His big complaint is that I am exhausted during the day, but what he doesn't realize is that I spend half of the night awake and perfectly alert. I don't know why me internal clock is broken, but it is really starting to get annoying!

If you can't beat them...

2007-10-24T00:33:00.000-06:00

So, I realize that most people write blogs so they can tell family that is far away all about what their various children, spouses, etc are up to and I think that this is great. Unfortunately, I am without the children, so this will just have to be about Mark and I. I greatly admire the blogs that many women that I know have created, and I hope that my lack of parental ability will not be held against me.

So it is just Mark and myself. We got married on a hot day in June just over a year ago, but it seems like it was forever. I don't mean that in a negative way, but when you meet your soulmate, time really starts to lose its focus. So very many things have changed in that year. We went from both being students and the crazy world of academia with me working all the time, to Mark being the only student when I convocated in May. We went from trying to get pregnant, to succeeding, to back to square one when we lost our baby in August. I don't write this for pity. I write it because I have to.

Now, I no longer work in the salon and Mark goes to school. This is a very big change for us, and we are really enjoying it. Well, I am not sure how much Mark is enjoying school this semester, but he can handle it!

Life takes you in directions that you just don't expect, the trick is to roll with the punches.