It's so hard to say goodbye.

How does one fully express one's self at the passing of a loved one? You can reminisce about the time spent together, cry about the missed opportunities for the future, or .... what? My beloved Grandma passed away very suddenly this weekend, and I must admit that I am at a loss at how to express what I feel. I am devastated for sure, but there is this edge of surealism that is preventing the healing process, because I just can't believe that she is really gone.

I have great bunch of siblings that are reaching out to help my mother at this time. I don't think that most people would consider a 57- year-old who has lost both parents to be a orphan, but I know that this is how she feels. I think that the greatest blessing to come out of this is now we can give my grandmother the opportunity to accept the gospel and be sealed to my grandfather. No one in my mother's family is a member of our church, but they worked very hard to be supportive of the things that were important to us like when my brothers went on missions and when we were all married in the Temple. considering we were their only grandchildren, I thought that this was very nice.

My grandmother was a vital part of my life. I am not close with my dad's family at all, but my mom's family was always there for every important occasion, be it dance recitals, band concerts, graduations, etc. She was also there for the non important stuff, the evey day stuff. And it was through these occasions that I learned how important she was to me. My best memories of childhood involve sitting on this high stool in her sunny kitchen swinging back and forth as I told her some tale (always exaggerated) and she patiently listened as she was making something and then said, "well, that was sure some story Miss Jessie, are you sure that this is how it happened?" My grandma always called me Miss Jessie. She had since I was little, and continued to this day.

I loved my grandma and I will miss her so terribly. My biggest regret is that my children will not have the opportunity to know her personally. Love you and Miss you Grandma.

Hildegard Betty Binnie

December 26, 1924-May 3, 2008

Beloved Mother, Grandmother, and Friend

It's a....!!!

HUMAN! Yahoo!

So, to explain, I went for my ultrasound the other day and we confirmed that this being within me is of the human variety,(what a relief!) and that it has all of it's important limbs etc. Anyone who has spoken to me as of the last couple of weeks knows that I have been having nightmares about a one armed baby, so it was quite a relief to have them confirm, several times at my request, that the baby did indeed have two arms. I have to admit that after this appointment, I have been feeling really good about the whole pregnancy thing. It relieved my mind that the baby was healthy and whole.

I didn't find out what I was having. This is for a few reasons. First, I didn't want to. Second, the baby wouldn't have let the tech find out even if I wanted to know. She had to chase it around just to get the pictures that she needed. It was really funny to watch how frustrated that she was getting.

The baby is very long and skinny and has a perfect turned up nose. The tech was really cute when she saw the profile of the baby. she sighed and said, " oh, this is going to be a cute baby, look at it, it is just perfect!" Now I realize that she probably says this to every nervous expectant mother, but I still felt really good when she said that.

I guess I just keep incubating and hope that the baby doesn't get too much bigger. Long and skinny is just fine for me.

Oh, and I find out the results of my gestational diabetes check today. Wish me luck!

Over Halfway

Hello all,

I am now officially out of hiding, or at least I finally feel like I am coming out of the fog that has been surrounding me for months. I am now over halfway through my pregnancy and the fog of sickness, worry, and doubt has begun to lift away from me. I have spent so much time and energy being scared that something awful would happen again during this pregnancy, that I don't think that I enjoyed it very much, so I am making more of an effort for the second half.

Work is ridiculous! I was so worried that when I told my clients to expect a brief absence in late August and Early September, that many would find another, non-pregnant stylist to go see. Thankfully, this has not been the case and I am very blessed that they are as excited, if not more so, than me and they have been so supportive and loving. I guess this is what happens when you have clients for many years.

I miss Mark. He has only been working for a few days and already I feel like he is gone all the time. I am sad and emotional, most of which I blame on hormones. This was just made worse yesterday when I found out that Mark would not be able to come to our ultrasound, even though I have moved the appointment several times. I just never expected to be alone for it. I guess that this is just something that happens. I am sure that he will be there for other ultrasounds, so I should get that stiff upper lip thing going.

This is not nearly the fun and up beat post that I had planned on writing, so I will leave you with a cute little story. Tonight a very dear friend came over with her little boy and he crawled for the first time in my living room. He also almost said his first word "fish" as he was looking intently at my huge angel fish. He said "fshhh", that almost counts, right?

Goodbye Mickey!

i know that this may sound mean, but I hate mice. I realize that in the creation, that all animals were placed on the earth for a reason. This does not mean that I need to love them all. This principle particularly applies when the aforementioned animal has taken up residence in one's home. Translation, we had a mouse in our house! I do say had, as he is no longer with us, nor is he anywhere else (unless you count the garbage can out back).

Our home is old and therefore prone to the little suckers and this one was cagey. He was so hard to catch because he was so little. He wouldn't set off traditional traps because he was too light. The glue traps were another story. We caught him within hours setting up the gue traps and then the big question was what to do to eliminate the poor thing. We consulted family and chose the most humane option and then we thought, yes we are mouse free. We were able to think this for approximately 1 hour until we saw his friend run across our hallway. Stupid mice! However, I am happy to report that all mice have been found and caught (there were only the two) and now we can rest in peace.

I am now in the process of steam cleaning our carpets and vacuuming everything to remove any traces of mouse inhabitation.

I am not sorry to say that we got rid of these mice. I am very glad that they are gone. I always was a fan of Donald Duck, never the mouse!

An Update

I figure that eventually I will have to get in the habit of updating this more than once a month, but for right now, I guess that any update is better than none at all. I feel so cut off from the world right now. I missed church on Sunday, due to lack of sleep and patience. I love children, but some days were not meant to be spent with eight four year olds all talking at once. I love that I have a husband who was willing to take it for the team and do everything himself.

I have been receiving a great many phone calls lately, and I figured that I would settle everything now so that there is no more confusion. Yes, I have been in the hospital lately, but it was not serious and everything is fine. Yes, I am still throwing up, but I am now on heavy doses of anti-nausea medication to keep that under control. No, there is nothing that helps the nausea. I can and will throw up any food given to me. Yes, I am still losing weight instead of gaining. This has been a major source of concern for my doctor as I have lost 30+ pounds since conception of said baby. However, the baby is still growing and developing fine, it is just my body that is having a little trouble right now. And Finally, yes I have been throwing up blood. I have been to the doctor and everything is fine. I ruptured a blood vessel in my esophagus and it bled. It has stopped and I am good as long as I don't do it again.

I am so excited to be 4 months into this pregnancy with no major disruptions. I am blessed to have a Heavenly Father who knows me and knows what I can handle as far as trials are concerned. I am not enjoying pregnancy, but I am so super excited to be trusted with a little spirit, that I will do whatever it takes to bring it here safely.

Other than that, there is really nothing new in the house of Kilistoff, other than we bought our crib and it rocks! It is so beautiful!

Party of Three?

Now for the news that everyone has been waiting for: Mark and I are expecting. Totally the worst kept secret ever! So if you didn't know, now you do; and for those who did know, thanks for trying to keep a secret. We are happy that the first trimester is behind us and we are enjoying the second much more. We have great hope that this pregnancy will go well and have a positive ending. Thank you to everyone who was such a big help when I was so sick in the beginning.

The day and night that wouldn't end

Yesterday was a bad day. I started throwing up at noon and couldn't stop. I was still doing a client and had to keep running away to "do stuff." So embarassing! Thankfully it was a friend and someone who was very understanding.

Then, everything seemed to calm down, except then I started to spike a fever. It is a really scary thing to not understand why you body is reacting the way that it is. After many phone calls to family for advice we had decided to wait and see what happened. My fever started to go down and we thought that we were in the clear, until it spiked again and went higher than ever.

A trip to the emergency room ensued and we were rushed into a room. My blood pressure (normally 120/77) was 149/96 and my temperature and pulse were insane. IV fluids were pushed into me for hours and blood and other samples were taken. Eventually, it was like everything decided to be calm and our prayers seemed to kick in. My temperature dropped back to normal and my blood pressure went back down to 116/63. All the blood work came back normal and we were able to come home. We were so tired but we were so happy that everything was okay.

Poor Mark. He has a paper and two midterms this week, and I manage to make it impossible to get anything done. He is such a trooper and I love him so much. As I was throwing up I just kept apologizing for screwing up his day, but he kept assuring me that I was worth the trouble. Thankfully his professors were very understanding of the situation and gave him a little repreive.

Don't worry about me, I'm on bed rest for a couple of days and then I will be fine.