The end of absence

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life interceeded, 'nuff said!

So to update:
1: work continues to be an integral part of my life. It has been a combination of therapy and stress. My clients make life possible some days and challenging on other days. It has been great to share about eternal families and the gospel with them when they ask how come Mark and I are coping so well.
2: Mark is working hard this year in school. He is doing really well and I am so proud to help and support him whenever I can. He is my strength. I don't even want to contemplate what life would be without him.
3: Mark's sister, Deanna, had her baby 8 weeks early, and we are all thankful that Jacob is happy, healthy, and (holy crap!) is chunky! She is adjusting to life with 5 boys.
4: My sister in law, Chantel, is 4 weeks away from her own new arrival. We are so excited for this new baby girl to show up and join our family. When she comes, there will be a tie between the boy and girl grandchildren on our side of the family. She will also be the first girl born in our family in 6 years.


I think that this covers most of the changes in our lives. I am sure that I missed some of them. I am so excited for this new year and for all of the opportunities that come with it. This last year was really challenging physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. I continue to be amazed at the grace of our Heavenly Father. The sacrifice of Christ saves me when I am rife with doubt and fear for the future. I am grateful for the life that I have been given, trials and all.

I am also grateful for friends who take to time to comfort, even when it is in the middle of a busy Sunday (thanks Donna, Sachie, Amy, and Sharon). Today was a hard day, 6 months to the day, but when I think of it in the eternal perspective, I remember that it is a drop in the bucket.

On a different note: stay tuned for treadmill stories! You haven't lived until you have seen Jess running!

6 week update

It has now been six weeks since I gave birth and I have to say that I am doing surprisingly well, physically. I didn't expect such a rapid return to health, but I am thankful for it. I went to my specialist to get any answers that he had to give. It was one of the best doctor's appointments of my life.

Dr Schubert is a fantastic ob/gyn and I have enjoyed working with him. He is very intuitive, so that makes it easier to ask him questions because he already knows what you want to ask. He told me that I was healing ahead of schedule, so that is nice. He answered all of the questions we had about what caused Eric's death and about subsequent pregnancies. To fill in the blanks a little, I am apparently an anomaly. Eric's death should not have happened, according to the medical professionals. This just confirms to me yet again that this was what Eric chose and that it would have happened regardless. I am so lucky that this was my faith confirming/testing trial. I am handling the resulting situation as best I can with the help of a wonderful husband and Heavenly Father. They give me the extra strength that I need when I feel like I have run out.

My doctor also went into great detail regarding what will happen from conception to delivery in the next pregnancy. Needless to say, I will be a pincushion and also an ultrasound pro by the time the next baby arrives.

Thanks again for the prayers and hugs. I want you to know that you are also a source of strength to me when I am feeling low. The death of a child in something that I wasn't prepared for, how could I be? It is through association with good people that I was doing the things that I needed to be doing in order to have faith in this situation. So again, thank you for your presence in my life.

Laughter and family

This weekend my wonderful husband and I decided to get out of Dodge for a while and visit my brother and his wife in Regina. It was a lot of fun, particularly because my other brother and his wife and kids was also in Regina. The three of us (my 2 brothers and I) are quite close. We moved into the city together when Andrew got back from Iowa and lived together until Andrew got married a year later. Ian and I continued to live together for a number of years after that. We had a fun time together. Now that we are all married, the cast of characters has changed a little, but I think that these additions have only made things better for all of us.

My family has always been a source of comfort and support for me. I only have brothers, and most people tell me that it is weird that we are all so close. My brothers have always been a strong influence on me, sometimes to my mother's chagrin. They are constantly making sure that I am okay, and their homes (as we got older) were a sanctuary where I could go to escape anything, even myself. My sister in laws are all wonderful, and have made my brothers who they are today. Thank goodness for the influence of women!

To get back to this weekend, we came , we saw, we laughed!

The Natural History Museum has been my favourite spot in Regina since I was probably three years old. I was so much fun to go there with my brothers, their spouses and children, and our very good friends (Russ, Beth, and Eli; whom we claim as family, whether they like it or not!). Eli was a little scared of Mega Munch, but I think that he did quite well.

Pictures to come later.

Life goes on

So it has been two weeks since I thought that my world was ending, and thankfully, it didn't end.

I am so thankful for the support and love and prayers that so many people have sent our way. I am especially grateful for the space that people have given Mark and I. We have been slowly starting our lives back up and getting back into the swing of things. I think that it is because of all of the prayers that this has been a fairly painless process. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful, uplifting people.

My faith continues to grow as I become more and more sure that my son chose this path for his life and I remember all of the things that I have been taught and that I learned regarding agency and eternity. I am thankful for my trials, because I know that there are people who suffer so much more than me. I am blessed with two children who didn't need to live to be tried and tested, they just needed a body and Heavenly Father trusted me to be the one to give that to them and then raise them later.

I wouldn't have wished this circumstance on anyone, but I am glad that my Heavenly Father thinks that I am strong enough to handle it, so that is what I am going to do. I am lucky that I get to be surrounded by wonderful women who are having good, healthy pregnancies. I have lots of friends and family who are expecting and I love that their situation is different than mine, because I need to know that good pregnancies happen. Children are a blessing and I am lucky to not have feelings of jealousy or bitterness towards those who have them. I think that this is another blessing, because, I think that it would be hard to be at church or even to be in this world if you harboured those kind of feelings.

I am sorry for the long post, but I felt the need to update. And, really, everyone who reads this knows that I can never shut up. See you all at some point.

Our Chosen Spirit

So most of you have probably heard that our beloved child has had his calling and election made sure and has returned to dwell with Heavenly Father. For those of you who have not yet heard, I will tell you what I can.
Our baby stopped moving on Thursday, and that night we had confirmation that the baby had died. I will spare all the details and let you know that on Friday I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby boy. We named him Eric Andrew John Kilistoff. He was buried today at 11AM surrounded by family who will have to wait to know him.

We are so sad, but we have been so blessed through this entire process with loving family, caring doctors and nurses, and an abundance of inspiration and revelation regarding our beautiful son. I have a Father in heaven who knows and loves me. I am so thankful for my faith and the knowledge of the gospel that I have. This has given me comfort as I think of my son and the relationship that we will have to wait to have. He is our son and because we are an eternal family, he will always be our son.

Thank you to all who have tried to contact us or talked to our parents. We love and appreciate the support and prayers. We are still trying to get our heads back on straight before we really feel comfortable with people again. So thank you in advance for giving us space.

The Countdown is ON!

So, after a very interesting meeting with my specialist, it seems that this baby is going to make an early appearance, rather than wait the full time. The question is, when?! Due to my continued problems with blood pressure, the doctor doesn't feel that it is safe for me to go full term and is contemplating a scheduled induction. He is just waiting on a series of tests to decide when the day is that we will start everything. If the baby is developing on schedule, and I am still a rollercoaster of pressures, then they will deliver ASAP. If they can stabilize me, then they will try to wait until 37 weeks before they induce me.

I will admit to being a little scared, mainly because of all of the unknown elements. The when, where, how, sort of stuff. I am really hoping to avoid a C-section if at all possible, just for the recovery aspect of things. I think that other than that I am ready, my bags are almost packed, and everything is pretty much done. Come what may!

I will update as often as I know anything different, but it looks as though baby Kilistoff will be appearing in a home near you in less than 3 weeks!

Wish me luck!

To My One and Only

How does one fully express the depth of everlasting love? Easy, you can't, so you show it in eveything you do and say. That is what you do for me everyday.



I love you so much.



Happy Anniversary.