Anticipation

Is anticipation of an event worse than the actual event itself? This next Saturday officially marks one year since we had our son. I have been dreading this day for some time now. There are a lot of reasons for the dread. Most people feel that a year is all the time needed to effectively mourn someone, so we shouldn't be sad anymore. I can honestly say that we have very few days now where we are crying and sad, but I don't think that you can put a time limit on grief. It is a process that seems to cycle, where there are good days and some that are not so good. I am not going to beat myself up if I have a day where I am sad.

Another reason why I am dreading this day is because I am not sure how to commemorate it. That sounds kind of weird, but I love my son and he is very real to me. I don't want his life to mean nothing within our little family. I want to start some traditions now for this day that we can continue when we have our other children, so that they can feel connected to him. This is where my dilemma starts. I am not sure what to do, because I don't want to do anything that is sad and depressing. I want it to be a celebration of a life so special that it couldn't continue on earth. We have some ideas and hopefully we will come to a decision soon.

I also hate that I am feeling guilty that we are happy and doing okay. My support group met at the beginning of the month, we do this when each person is about to hit their one year. I was doing great and was pretty vocal about this and why we were feeling good. One of the girls is having a great deal of trouble though. She just hit her one year last month and I felt bad that she was feeling so lost and was doing everything she could to hold onto her daughter. I felt guilty that she was hurting and I felt good. I guess that this is just something else to get my head around.

I'll let you know what we end up doing and how the day goes.

A Wild Weekend

Friday: Frantically trying to get laundry, cleaning, and packing done while doing clients and making phone calls. As well as lighting a fire under my husband so that he would help me get things ready.
Left one and a half hours later than planned. Took my aunt home on the way to Regina where this wild weekend takes place.
Got to Regina (Ian's place) around 6:30pm, picked up Christine at the hospital where she works and then we went to the grocery store. We picked up some stuff for supper and we went back to Ian's place and i made a lovely supper of pork, wild rice and mushroom pilaf, and broccoli with a cream sauce.
Saturday: Got up early! 4 adults to get ready (Christine likes an hour and a half to get ready), and out the door by 7am. We did the 8 am session at the Temple with Mark's sister Lisa who drove in that morning. The session was packed (woohoo!).
Christine and I then went and babysat Eli Butler so that his parents could do a session together, while Mark, Lisa , and Ian helped with the YSA Temple trip.
We all went for lunch at Applebee's and then we shopped! I found the Mecca of rubber duck stores and I should be given an award for restraining myself in that place. I only bought twelve. They had over 150 different ducks! We went to a few other great stores and I may have purchased some other items. It was a wonderful afternoon.
We were tired. Everybody slept, I knit. We had BBQ for supper and we played cards (Which I won!) and just chilled for the rest of the evening.

Sunday: Mark and I relaxed into the day, and drove home peaceful and happy after a great weekend with family and friends who might as well be family as they fit so nicely in our hearts. At the center of our weekend was the Temple, so how could we go wrong.

We can't wait to do it again!