Is anticipation of an event worse than the actual event itself? This next Saturday officially marks one year since we had our son. I have been dreading this day for some time now. There are a lot of reasons for the dread. Most people feel that a year is all the time needed to effectively mourn someone, so we shouldn't be sad anymore. I can honestly say that we have very few days now where we are crying and sad, but I don't think that you can put a time limit on grief. It is a process that seems to cycle, where there are good days and some that are not so good. I am not going to beat myself up if I have a day where I am sad.
Another reason why I am dreading this day is because I am not sure how to commemorate it. That sounds kind of weird, but I love my son and he is very real to me. I don't want his life to mean nothing within our little family. I want to start some traditions now for this day that we can continue when we have our other children, so that they can feel connected to him. This is where my dilemma starts. I am not sure what to do, because I don't want to do anything that is sad and depressing. I want it to be a celebration of a life so special that it couldn't continue on earth. We have some ideas and hopefully we will come to a decision soon.
I also hate that I am feeling guilty that we are happy and doing okay. My support group met at the beginning of the month, we do this when each person is about to hit their one year. I was doing great and was pretty vocal about this and why we were feeling good. One of the girls is having a great deal of trouble though. She just hit her one year last month and I felt bad that she was feeling so lost and was doing everything she could to hold onto her daughter. I felt guilty that she was hurting and I felt good. I guess that this is just something else to get my head around.
I'll let you know what we end up doing and how the day goes.
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6 comments:
maybe take some balloons and let them go up into the air for him to see? Kids love balloons. And balloons are happy.
Wow... I can't believe it's already been a year. I am sooo glad that you guys are doing so well, I think about you a LOT!!! No matter what you guys decide to do on Eric's day I know that he's going to be there with you. I love you!!
It is hard to believe it has been a year. Both of you have grown so much and I am so grateful that we are closer now. Love you lots.
I think just having a family day. To celebrate your family. To always enjoy your time as a family. take a holiday or go for a picnic, Just make the day special to you and your family! You amaze me in your strength.
Maybe the grief/ pain never goes away but you are able to endure it. You have an amazing ability to endure Jess. Time has brought perspective and peace which is why you are happy and doing okay. Heavenly Father knows you and loves you, and has blessed you in different ways then you were anticipating.
I can't believe it has been a year, I'm thinking of you guys.
Oh Jess I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish that I lived closer to be a better friend. Your friendship has always meant so much to me! Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your wonderful husband.
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