6 week update

It has now been six weeks since I gave birth and I have to say that I am doing surprisingly well, physically. I didn't expect such a rapid return to health, but I am thankful for it. I went to my specialist to get any answers that he had to give. It was one of the best doctor's appointments of my life.

Dr Schubert is a fantastic ob/gyn and I have enjoyed working with him. He is very intuitive, so that makes it easier to ask him questions because he already knows what you want to ask. He told me that I was healing ahead of schedule, so that is nice. He answered all of the questions we had about what caused Eric's death and about subsequent pregnancies. To fill in the blanks a little, I am apparently an anomaly. Eric's death should not have happened, according to the medical professionals. This just confirms to me yet again that this was what Eric chose and that it would have happened regardless. I am so lucky that this was my faith confirming/testing trial. I am handling the resulting situation as best I can with the help of a wonderful husband and Heavenly Father. They give me the extra strength that I need when I feel like I have run out.

My doctor also went into great detail regarding what will happen from conception to delivery in the next pregnancy. Needless to say, I will be a pincushion and also an ultrasound pro by the time the next baby arrives.

Thanks again for the prayers and hugs. I want you to know that you are also a source of strength to me when I am feeling low. The death of a child in something that I wasn't prepared for, how could I be? It is through association with good people that I was doing the things that I needed to be doing in order to have faith in this situation. So again, thank you for your presence in my life.

Laughter and family

This weekend my wonderful husband and I decided to get out of Dodge for a while and visit my brother and his wife in Regina. It was a lot of fun, particularly because my other brother and his wife and kids was also in Regina. The three of us (my 2 brothers and I) are quite close. We moved into the city together when Andrew got back from Iowa and lived together until Andrew got married a year later. Ian and I continued to live together for a number of years after that. We had a fun time together. Now that we are all married, the cast of characters has changed a little, but I think that these additions have only made things better for all of us.

My family has always been a source of comfort and support for me. I only have brothers, and most people tell me that it is weird that we are all so close. My brothers have always been a strong influence on me, sometimes to my mother's chagrin. They are constantly making sure that I am okay, and their homes (as we got older) were a sanctuary where I could go to escape anything, even myself. My sister in laws are all wonderful, and have made my brothers who they are today. Thank goodness for the influence of women!

To get back to this weekend, we came , we saw, we laughed!

The Natural History Museum has been my favourite spot in Regina since I was probably three years old. I was so much fun to go there with my brothers, their spouses and children, and our very good friends (Russ, Beth, and Eli; whom we claim as family, whether they like it or not!). Eli was a little scared of Mega Munch, but I think that he did quite well.

Pictures to come later.

Life goes on

So it has been two weeks since I thought that my world was ending, and thankfully, it didn't end.

I am so thankful for the support and love and prayers that so many people have sent our way. I am especially grateful for the space that people have given Mark and I. We have been slowly starting our lives back up and getting back into the swing of things. I think that it is because of all of the prayers that this has been a fairly painless process. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful, uplifting people.

My faith continues to grow as I become more and more sure that my son chose this path for his life and I remember all of the things that I have been taught and that I learned regarding agency and eternity. I am thankful for my trials, because I know that there are people who suffer so much more than me. I am blessed with two children who didn't need to live to be tried and tested, they just needed a body and Heavenly Father trusted me to be the one to give that to them and then raise them later.

I wouldn't have wished this circumstance on anyone, but I am glad that my Heavenly Father thinks that I am strong enough to handle it, so that is what I am going to do. I am lucky that I get to be surrounded by wonderful women who are having good, healthy pregnancies. I have lots of friends and family who are expecting and I love that their situation is different than mine, because I need to know that good pregnancies happen. Children are a blessing and I am lucky to not have feelings of jealousy or bitterness towards those who have them. I think that this is another blessing, because, I think that it would be hard to be at church or even to be in this world if you harboured those kind of feelings.

I am sorry for the long post, but I felt the need to update. And, really, everyone who reads this knows that I can never shut up. See you all at some point.

Our Chosen Spirit

So most of you have probably heard that our beloved child has had his calling and election made sure and has returned to dwell with Heavenly Father. For those of you who have not yet heard, I will tell you what I can.
Our baby stopped moving on Thursday, and that night we had confirmation that the baby had died. I will spare all the details and let you know that on Friday I gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby boy. We named him Eric Andrew John Kilistoff. He was buried today at 11AM surrounded by family who will have to wait to know him.

We are so sad, but we have been so blessed through this entire process with loving family, caring doctors and nurses, and an abundance of inspiration and revelation regarding our beautiful son. I have a Father in heaven who knows and loves me. I am so thankful for my faith and the knowledge of the gospel that I have. This has given me comfort as I think of my son and the relationship that we will have to wait to have. He is our son and because we are an eternal family, he will always be our son.

Thank you to all who have tried to contact us or talked to our parents. We love and appreciate the support and prayers. We are still trying to get our heads back on straight before we really feel comfortable with people again. So thank you in advance for giving us space.

The Countdown is ON!

So, after a very interesting meeting with my specialist, it seems that this baby is going to make an early appearance, rather than wait the full time. The question is, when?! Due to my continued problems with blood pressure, the doctor doesn't feel that it is safe for me to go full term and is contemplating a scheduled induction. He is just waiting on a series of tests to decide when the day is that we will start everything. If the baby is developing on schedule, and I am still a rollercoaster of pressures, then they will deliver ASAP. If they can stabilize me, then they will try to wait until 37 weeks before they induce me.

I will admit to being a little scared, mainly because of all of the unknown elements. The when, where, how, sort of stuff. I am really hoping to avoid a C-section if at all possible, just for the recovery aspect of things. I think that other than that I am ready, my bags are almost packed, and everything is pretty much done. Come what may!

I will update as often as I know anything different, but it looks as though baby Kilistoff will be appearing in a home near you in less than 3 weeks!

Wish me luck!

To My One and Only

How does one fully express the depth of everlasting love? Easy, you can't, so you show it in eveything you do and say. That is what you do for me everyday.



I love you so much.



Happy Anniversary.

Just Being Calm

thank you so much for the advice from you all. I really appreciate that you took the time to help me. To all who don't know, my blood pressure has come down a little now that life has gotten a little calmer. I am trying to make sure that I take time every day to rest and spend time bonding with the baby to be. Some days are better than others. My mom has been a huge help with taking me to appointments and being a sounding board for all of my insane worries. There are less than 10 weeks until this baby arrives and i am trying to make all of the big decisions now so that I am ready for when it arrives.

As I have never done this before, I have a little question for all of those who have done this a time or two; What is one thing you wish people would have told you prior to having your baby that would have made the first few weeks at home easier? Also, if anyone has any reccommendations of a good "first years" or new baby book, that would be most welcome.

Again, thank you for the advice, I am doing my best to listen to both it and my doctor's.

Advice needed

Hello All!

After a particularly depressing doctor's visit today, I am in need of some advice. My weight has gone down again and my blood pressure is way up. Can anyone offer some advice at how to get me to relax without exerting too much effort, as I am officially banned from strenuous activity. I want to get my blood pressure back down so that I can continue this pregnancy without worrying. Thankfully, it is not so high as to worry about preclampsia or anything, it is just way higher than it has been during the rest of the pregnancy.

Advice is welcome.

It's so hard to say goodbye.

How does one fully express one's self at the passing of a loved one? You can reminisce about the time spent together, cry about the missed opportunities for the future, or .... what? My beloved Grandma passed away very suddenly this weekend, and I must admit that I am at a loss at how to express what I feel. I am devastated for sure, but there is this edge of surealism that is preventing the healing process, because I just can't believe that she is really gone.

I have great bunch of siblings that are reaching out to help my mother at this time. I don't think that most people would consider a 57- year-old who has lost both parents to be a orphan, but I know that this is how she feels. I think that the greatest blessing to come out of this is now we can give my grandmother the opportunity to accept the gospel and be sealed to my grandfather. No one in my mother's family is a member of our church, but they worked very hard to be supportive of the things that were important to us like when my brothers went on missions and when we were all married in the Temple. considering we were their only grandchildren, I thought that this was very nice.

My grandmother was a vital part of my life. I am not close with my dad's family at all, but my mom's family was always there for every important occasion, be it dance recitals, band concerts, graduations, etc. She was also there for the non important stuff, the evey day stuff. And it was through these occasions that I learned how important she was to me. My best memories of childhood involve sitting on this high stool in her sunny kitchen swinging back and forth as I told her some tale (always exaggerated) and she patiently listened as she was making something and then said, "well, that was sure some story Miss Jessie, are you sure that this is how it happened?" My grandma always called me Miss Jessie. She had since I was little, and continued to this day.

I loved my grandma and I will miss her so terribly. My biggest regret is that my children will not have the opportunity to know her personally. Love you and Miss you Grandma.

Hildegard Betty Binnie

December 26, 1924-May 3, 2008

Beloved Mother, Grandmother, and Friend

It's a....!!!

HUMAN! Yahoo!

So, to explain, I went for my ultrasound the other day and we confirmed that this being within me is of the human variety,(what a relief!) and that it has all of it's important limbs etc. Anyone who has spoken to me as of the last couple of weeks knows that I have been having nightmares about a one armed baby, so it was quite a relief to have them confirm, several times at my request, that the baby did indeed have two arms. I have to admit that after this appointment, I have been feeling really good about the whole pregnancy thing. It relieved my mind that the baby was healthy and whole.

I didn't find out what I was having. This is for a few reasons. First, I didn't want to. Second, the baby wouldn't have let the tech find out even if I wanted to know. She had to chase it around just to get the pictures that she needed. It was really funny to watch how frustrated that she was getting.

The baby is very long and skinny and has a perfect turned up nose. The tech was really cute when she saw the profile of the baby. she sighed and said, " oh, this is going to be a cute baby, look at it, it is just perfect!" Now I realize that she probably says this to every nervous expectant mother, but I still felt really good when she said that.

I guess I just keep incubating and hope that the baby doesn't get too much bigger. Long and skinny is just fine for me.

Oh, and I find out the results of my gestational diabetes check today. Wish me luck!

Over Halfway

Hello all,

I am now officially out of hiding, or at least I finally feel like I am coming out of the fog that has been surrounding me for months. I am now over halfway through my pregnancy and the fog of sickness, worry, and doubt has begun to lift away from me. I have spent so much time and energy being scared that something awful would happen again during this pregnancy, that I don't think that I enjoyed it very much, so I am making more of an effort for the second half.

Work is ridiculous! I was so worried that when I told my clients to expect a brief absence in late August and Early September, that many would find another, non-pregnant stylist to go see. Thankfully, this has not been the case and I am very blessed that they are as excited, if not more so, than me and they have been so supportive and loving. I guess this is what happens when you have clients for many years.

I miss Mark. He has only been working for a few days and already I feel like he is gone all the time. I am sad and emotional, most of which I blame on hormones. This was just made worse yesterday when I found out that Mark would not be able to come to our ultrasound, even though I have moved the appointment several times. I just never expected to be alone for it. I guess that this is just something that happens. I am sure that he will be there for other ultrasounds, so I should get that stiff upper lip thing going.

This is not nearly the fun and up beat post that I had planned on writing, so I will leave you with a cute little story. Tonight a very dear friend came over with her little boy and he crawled for the first time in my living room. He also almost said his first word "fish" as he was looking intently at my huge angel fish. He said "fshhh", that almost counts, right?

Goodbye Mickey!

i know that this may sound mean, but I hate mice. I realize that in the creation, that all animals were placed on the earth for a reason. This does not mean that I need to love them all. This principle particularly applies when the aforementioned animal has taken up residence in one's home. Translation, we had a mouse in our house! I do say had, as he is no longer with us, nor is he anywhere else (unless you count the garbage can out back).

Our home is old and therefore prone to the little suckers and this one was cagey. He was so hard to catch because he was so little. He wouldn't set off traditional traps because he was too light. The glue traps were another story. We caught him within hours setting up the gue traps and then the big question was what to do to eliminate the poor thing. We consulted family and chose the most humane option and then we thought, yes we are mouse free. We were able to think this for approximately 1 hour until we saw his friend run across our hallway. Stupid mice! However, I am happy to report that all mice have been found and caught (there were only the two) and now we can rest in peace.

I am now in the process of steam cleaning our carpets and vacuuming everything to remove any traces of mouse inhabitation.

I am not sorry to say that we got rid of these mice. I am very glad that they are gone. I always was a fan of Donald Duck, never the mouse!

An Update

I figure that eventually I will have to get in the habit of updating this more than once a month, but for right now, I guess that any update is better than none at all. I feel so cut off from the world right now. I missed church on Sunday, due to lack of sleep and patience. I love children, but some days were not meant to be spent with eight four year olds all talking at once. I love that I have a husband who was willing to take it for the team and do everything himself.

I have been receiving a great many phone calls lately, and I figured that I would settle everything now so that there is no more confusion. Yes, I have been in the hospital lately, but it was not serious and everything is fine. Yes, I am still throwing up, but I am now on heavy doses of anti-nausea medication to keep that under control. No, there is nothing that helps the nausea. I can and will throw up any food given to me. Yes, I am still losing weight instead of gaining. This has been a major source of concern for my doctor as I have lost 30+ pounds since conception of said baby. However, the baby is still growing and developing fine, it is just my body that is having a little trouble right now. And Finally, yes I have been throwing up blood. I have been to the doctor and everything is fine. I ruptured a blood vessel in my esophagus and it bled. It has stopped and I am good as long as I don't do it again.

I am so excited to be 4 months into this pregnancy with no major disruptions. I am blessed to have a Heavenly Father who knows me and knows what I can handle as far as trials are concerned. I am not enjoying pregnancy, but I am so super excited to be trusted with a little spirit, that I will do whatever it takes to bring it here safely.

Other than that, there is really nothing new in the house of Kilistoff, other than we bought our crib and it rocks! It is so beautiful!

Party of Three?

Now for the news that everyone has been waiting for: Mark and I are expecting. Totally the worst kept secret ever! So if you didn't know, now you do; and for those who did know, thanks for trying to keep a secret. We are happy that the first trimester is behind us and we are enjoying the second much more. We have great hope that this pregnancy will go well and have a positive ending. Thank you to everyone who was such a big help when I was so sick in the beginning.

The day and night that wouldn't end

Yesterday was a bad day. I started throwing up at noon and couldn't stop. I was still doing a client and had to keep running away to "do stuff." So embarassing! Thankfully it was a friend and someone who was very understanding.

Then, everything seemed to calm down, except then I started to spike a fever. It is a really scary thing to not understand why you body is reacting the way that it is. After many phone calls to family for advice we had decided to wait and see what happened. My fever started to go down and we thought that we were in the clear, until it spiked again and went higher than ever.

A trip to the emergency room ensued and we were rushed into a room. My blood pressure (normally 120/77) was 149/96 and my temperature and pulse were insane. IV fluids were pushed into me for hours and blood and other samples were taken. Eventually, it was like everything decided to be calm and our prayers seemed to kick in. My temperature dropped back to normal and my blood pressure went back down to 116/63. All the blood work came back normal and we were able to come home. We were so tired but we were so happy that everything was okay.

Poor Mark. He has a paper and two midterms this week, and I manage to make it impossible to get anything done. He is such a trooper and I love him so much. As I was throwing up I just kept apologizing for screwing up his day, but he kept assuring me that I was worth the trouble. Thankfully his professors were very understanding of the situation and gave him a little repreive.

Don't worry about me, I'm on bed rest for a couple of days and then I will be fine.

You want to put what where?!

So I went and had a physical today. And I know what you are automatically thinking, ew gross. I have to say though, I really don't understand why people have so much trouble going to the doctor for this sort of appointment. Sure it sucks being naked and having yourself poked. But I just think of it this way, as gross as I may feel that I look right now, I am confident that there is someone worse than me that my doctor has had to look at. I am positive that my doctor sees me as a large piece of meat that needs to be checked up on. So it really doesn't bother me. I just think of it (A physical) as a necessary evil if I want to be healthy and strong.

Do yourself a favour and go get checked out. Early detection is the best when it comes to serious problems. (not that anything is wrong with me. I just thought that I would make sure that that was well noted)

Exhaustion and Boredom

Well, it has certainly been a while since the last post. I do apologize for the lack of updating, but as you can see from the title, I have been suffering from a mixture of exhaustion and boredom.

If you talk to any hairstylist, you will know that December is the month that just won't end. It doesn't matter how many hours you try to stay open there will always be someone who wants you to squeeze them in somewhere. Needless to say, I have been busy working or recovering from working.

I did really enjoy Christmas. We had a lot of fun with our families and friends. There was food, games, and some fantastic nap time! I miss being surrounded by my nieces and nephews at Christmas, though. I really think that it is the children that make Christmas so special.

I hope that everyone made some resolutions that they intend to keep. I sure did! But, I'm not going to say what they are, because then I really have to stick to them.

I hope that everyone had a safe and wonderful holiday and that you are settling well into the new year.