News! aka the stuff miss laura was hinting about

So, anyone heard any news about me lately? I have! Apparently there is change coming in the future, in the form of a 6-8 pound delivery in May.

Okay, enough beating around the bush, as it were. Mark and I are very pleased and excited to announce that we are expecting again. Baby will be arriving no later than mid-May.

So far, everything is great and we have no thoughts that are contrary to that. Sorry to have kept it quiet for awhile, but that is just how we do things.

Thanks to all who found out early and managed to keep it under wraps. We appreciate the effort.

Bit of a drought

So, been a while. My only excuse is that I have been busy. Mark and I are finally in our new place. It feels great to be getting settled in and comfortable. We are still working out some bumps etc. but I think that everything is going to be great.

My dad had surgery this week. He had his knee replaced and I have spent a piece of each day in the hospital with him making sure that he had what he needed and that he was okay.

Both Mark and I have been playing pass the flu. I feel that we have switched off for the last month. I hate being sick! I feel like I can't get anything done. Kari is going to fire me from Young Women's if I don't get my act together. My words, not her's.

So that is my life right now. Centered around family, church, and work. As usual. Man, my update is boring! If only there was something interesting to say! Oh well. Maybe next post!

Havin' a bad day

I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never going to keep me down!

This has become my own personal chant today. Not even noon. Depressing! Sometimes, you just gotta have a bad day.

Overdue Update

I guess that I should follow up on my promise to tell all about what we did on the anniversary of Eric's birth. Sorry for the wait.

Well, I was really curious to know what was worse- the anticipation, or the day itself. Without a doubt, it was the anticipation. Or, to be honest, it was the day before. This was the worst day that I have had in a really long time. That evening was so long. During the day wasn't so bad. I was busy with clients and had no real time to reflect. But as the evening approached, I found myself watching the clock, without really knowing why. Suddenly it hit me that I was watching and remembering what had happened at this exact time last year.

When it was that I thought something was wrong.
When I picked Mark up so that we could go to the hospital.
When I was admitted.
When they did the first tests.
When they told us our baby was gone.
When we had to make phone calls.
and so on and so forth.

Hideous, ugly, horrifying thoughts poured into my mind. Things that I thought that I had forgotten came flowing back into my mind with perfect clarity. All night long I was plagued with these thoughts and with them came fear. Fear of having to do this with future pregnancies. Finally in anguish I turned to Mark and asked him to help me find relief with a prayer. Thank goodness for righteous husbands who put aside their own grief to help with someone else.

The next day was fine. We went to breakfast together. I went shopping with my sister in law (really, a sister of the heart) who made sure I was okay. Mark and I had a nap. Then we went out for a wonderful supper together to celebrate our son. We went to the cemetery to pick to weeds and reflect. Then we came home and chilled out for the rest of the night. A good time was had by all.

We know that our son is doing great. How many parents can say that with total conviction? We love him, miss him, but we are ready for all that the future has to hold.

Thanks for all of the flowers, mementos, etc. that so many were kind enough to drop off. We love you and are very thankful that you are our friends.

Anticipation

Is anticipation of an event worse than the actual event itself? This next Saturday officially marks one year since we had our son. I have been dreading this day for some time now. There are a lot of reasons for the dread. Most people feel that a year is all the time needed to effectively mourn someone, so we shouldn't be sad anymore. I can honestly say that we have very few days now where we are crying and sad, but I don't think that you can put a time limit on grief. It is a process that seems to cycle, where there are good days and some that are not so good. I am not going to beat myself up if I have a day where I am sad.

Another reason why I am dreading this day is because I am not sure how to commemorate it. That sounds kind of weird, but I love my son and he is very real to me. I don't want his life to mean nothing within our little family. I want to start some traditions now for this day that we can continue when we have our other children, so that they can feel connected to him. This is where my dilemma starts. I am not sure what to do, because I don't want to do anything that is sad and depressing. I want it to be a celebration of a life so special that it couldn't continue on earth. We have some ideas and hopefully we will come to a decision soon.

I also hate that I am feeling guilty that we are happy and doing okay. My support group met at the beginning of the month, we do this when each person is about to hit their one year. I was doing great and was pretty vocal about this and why we were feeling good. One of the girls is having a great deal of trouble though. She just hit her one year last month and I felt bad that she was feeling so lost and was doing everything she could to hold onto her daughter. I felt guilty that she was hurting and I felt good. I guess that this is just something else to get my head around.

I'll let you know what we end up doing and how the day goes.

A Wild Weekend

Friday: Frantically trying to get laundry, cleaning, and packing done while doing clients and making phone calls. As well as lighting a fire under my husband so that he would help me get things ready.
Left one and a half hours later than planned. Took my aunt home on the way to Regina where this wild weekend takes place.
Got to Regina (Ian's place) around 6:30pm, picked up Christine at the hospital where she works and then we went to the grocery store. We picked up some stuff for supper and we went back to Ian's place and i made a lovely supper of pork, wild rice and mushroom pilaf, and broccoli with a cream sauce.
Saturday: Got up early! 4 adults to get ready (Christine likes an hour and a half to get ready), and out the door by 7am. We did the 8 am session at the Temple with Mark's sister Lisa who drove in that morning. The session was packed (woohoo!).
Christine and I then went and babysat Eli Butler so that his parents could do a session together, while Mark, Lisa , and Ian helped with the YSA Temple trip.
We all went for lunch at Applebee's and then we shopped! I found the Mecca of rubber duck stores and I should be given an award for restraining myself in that place. I only bought twelve. They had over 150 different ducks! We went to a few other great stores and I may have purchased some other items. It was a wonderful afternoon.
We were tired. Everybody slept, I knit. We had BBQ for supper and we played cards (Which I won!) and just chilled for the rest of the evening.

Sunday: Mark and I relaxed into the day, and drove home peaceful and happy after a great weekend with family and friends who might as well be family as they fit so nicely in our hearts. At the center of our weekend was the Temple, so how could we go wrong.

We can't wait to do it again!

Belated Anniversary Post- this is dedicated to the one I love!

By now, I hope that it is quite clear that I love and adore my wonderful husband. He is my world. On the 24th, we celebrated 3 years of marriage, and oh, what a marriage it has been so far. I joked to my mother that we have done more living in 3 years of marriage, than many couples do in ten. So we should have smooth sailing for the next 7 years, right?!

Here are some of the highlights of our time together:

1: Our first official meeting: I had demanded an introduction after hearing a sexy, deep voice answer a question in institute class. He had a gauze covered thumb, because he had tried to cut it off while drywalling the basement.
2: Our first real date: Sitting through three hours of King Kong with me covering my eyes while giant bugs ate the people on the screen.
3: The question game: A way to get to know him and to ask him all of the questions that I was afraid to ask, like did he love me?
4: The first time he said he loved me: I cried, what, didn't you!
5: When he proposed: a long awful day, followed by me storming up to my room to put something away, and wondering what was all over my floor, realizing that it was flowers and that there was a ring box sitting open on my chair.
6: Our wedding day: thinking everything would be great because we would belong to each other forever.
7: Our first few months: floating on a cloud, probably making our families ill with the PDAs.
8: First conflicts: Health, thesis work, stress, work, fertility
9: First sad tears: first miscarriage
10: Best vacation: driving out to the coast with Mark for a two and a half week long vacation.
11: Best surprise: finding out that we were pregnant, on New Year's Eve, and then I threw up. Morning sickness begins!
12: Worst vacation: driving out to Seattle for Ian's wedding
13: Silliest moment: catching him singing one of my made up songs as he did a little booty shake. (this has happened numerous times!)
14: Worst Moment: Do I really need to write it? The moment that we realized that we would have to wait until the eternities to get to know our child, again.
15: Best anniversary gift: This year's! A beautiful diamond and sapphire necklace!
16: Best moment: Every Single Day that I get to wake up next to this wonderful, caring, loving, intelligent, handsome man that I am privileged to call my husband.

There have been good times, bad times, and times in between. I wouldn't get rid of any of them if it meant that I would have to be without Mark. He is my everything.

A Month in Summary

Oh Wow! Can it really be a month since my last post. Oops! Sorry, I have been busy, and to quote a classic movie, "There is too much, let me sum up!"

1) Mark has started work on our new basement suite. Work is progressing at a good rate and we hope to be in by September.

2) I have been working long hours and now, at the request (read-command) of my husband I will be trying to take a day off and work less than 12-14 hours a day.

3) I am no longer in the primary (WOOHOO!) and now I am shepherding around young girls in the hope that they will grow into upstanding adults. They certainly won't learn that from me. Now, sarcasm on the other hand, they may learn in spades!

4)I now knit. My first project is this huge afghan for Mark and I am about to finish.

5) I have read approximately 200 books

6) My brother and his wife and kids left me to explore the south. I was sad, but not so sad when I remembered what it is like to travel with small children. Suckers!

7) I got a great new recipe for crock pot oatmeal that is awesome! (and really healthy!)

8) Mark and I have decided to put our future family on hold (we are not trying to have a baby for a while). Instead we are neck and neck in a competition that will result in me being awesome and winning. That Mark is cagey, but I shall triumph!

I guess that this is about it for the last little while. We had some ups and downs this month emotionally with Mother's day and the first anniversary of my grandmother's death all coming on top of one another. But, all in all, things are good, and look to be getting even better.

Nothing Exciting Ever Happens to Me

Now, I don't want to sound as though I am whining, but maybe I am, just a little bit. Several times a day I am asked a question that I have learned to dread. It is "what's new?" There are several variations to the original, but the theme remains the same. Mainly, everyone expects something noteworthy to have happened since last they saw me.

News Flash people, exciting things don't generally happen to me. I do the same things everyday with very few additions or substitutions. I live vicariously through other people and hope that someday I will have interesting stuff to share.

That Day is Today!!!

Guess what,

I had hardly wiped the sleep from my eyes when I came to the realization that while I slept, my husband had somehow disappeared. I panicked and ran from the room to try to find him. He was no where to be found. I, for no apparent reason, decided to call off the hunt and do something else, like go for a sail in my pirate ship, of which I am the captain of course.

Whilst sailing, I came across an unusual island. I decided to pull into port and take a peak around. There were waterfall and palm trees and hot springs. I decided to stick around for a while and see what happened. My first mate, Heffie the elephant, was not happy with this decision and started a mutiny aboard the ship. I was not feeling confrontational and decided to let them have the ship and I would wait for the next one to come along to get home. Alas, Heffie sucked at steering and my ship, The Stylist, was lost at sea. the only survivors were Frank and Julie, the stuffed fish, who could swim.

Mark reappeared just as I was watching my ship float away and we stretched out on the sand, drank cool fruity juices, and enjoyed the sunset on the horizon.

I will never eat honey roasted peanuts before bed ever again! Messed Up Dream!!!

But it definitely gives me something to say when I am asked what is new.

The End

I went to my last support group meeting this week. It was so hard to say goodbye to these women, and it has only been a couple of months! It was such a blessing to be involved with this group at this point of my life. I needed to be here at this time to help these women and to be helped by them. I needed to spend this time dwelling on my faith. I needed to think about the love that I have for my children who have come and gone and the love I will have for the ones who are yet to come (this is not an announcement by any means!). I have discovered hidden strengths within my self that maybe would have taken years to surface.

It gave me an opportunity to tell these women my testimony and to share my love for my Heavenly Father on a weekly basis. I love the way women can come together to lift each other up when we feel weak, scared, or overwhelmed. It makes me thankful for the innate qualities of women.

So I remain thankful and in awe of the strength of women.

A Poetic Birthday Blog

I don't know why, but whenever I think about the great love that I have for my husband, I get a little poetic. I was thinking alot about him this week because of his 26th birthday (yes, I realize that he looks a great deal younger!). I took a poetry class in university (needed the English credit) and for some reason, I began reading the anthology again just the other day. That was when I discovered this:

A Red, Red Rose

By: Robert Burns

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,

That's newly sprung in June;

O my Luve's like the melodie

That's sweetly played in tune.-

As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

So deep in luve am I;

And I will love thee still, my dear,

Till a'the seas gang dry.-

Till a'the seas gang dry, my dear,

And the rocks melt wi' the sun:

O I will love thee still, my dear,

While the sands o' life shall run.-

And fare thee weel, my only Luve,

And fare thee weel awhile!

And I will come again, my Luve,

Though it were ten thousand mile!-

Now granted, ol' Robbie was talking about some lovely lass, not my great strapping husband, but the thought is there. I can't believe that another year has passed and he is another year older. Happy birthday my love, here's to an eternity more!

The Power of Imagination

So, I read a scary book last night. It wasn't gory, crude, explicit, or creepy. It was just scary. It was a book that relied on the imagination of the reader to fill in the blanks of the story to make it as creepy as you could handle. Unfortunately for me, my brain fills in way more than I can handle. Probably wasn't my best plan to read it in the middle of the night, but I was up and bored.

While we are on the subject, why is it that it is in the middle of the night that the house decides to "settle?" Or, that the furnace kicks in with frightening irregularity? Or, the person beside you suddenly cries out in a dream? None of these things are good when one is deeply engrossed in a scary book!

I made myself scared. There was no sleeping after that book. Stupid book! Well, not really, but you understand. I blame my parents for giving us too much time to explore and develop an imagination. If they had been like everyone else's parents, we would have had our minds ruined with television until we could think of nothing outside of what was directly told us.

Wait, perhaps I should be thanking them, instead of scolding them. Thanks mom and dad for making it possible for me to nearly wet myself at 3:15 am when the furnace kicked in just as the lady walked into the dark room by herself. It was a great moment, and one that I am very happy had no witnesses.

Viva Las Vegas!

Currently a bunch of my family members are living it up in Vegas, and I have to be honest when I tell you that I am a lovely shade of green about it. I love the idea of Vegas. I don't care about the gambling (obviously), but it is the history that makes me want to be there. I have a confession to make for those who are unaware, I LOVE Elvis. He makes my heart flutter. And more than Graceland, Vegas says Elvis to me.

I am also a huge fan of the Rat Pack, you know, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr. They were so awesome. Crooners. I am such a sucker for them.

Anyway, my family is there, and I am stuck here freezing. I am, however, looking forward to a showgirl rubber ducky that my mother is trying to find for me.

And the Winner is....

So I am sure you were all watching religously as the poor befuddled bachelor picked his girl, and then changed his mind. Not entirely sure how I feel about it. It was like he tried Melissa on for size, didn't like the fit, and then decided that Molly might suit him better. Kind of weird.

I laughed through most of the final episode and the after the rose stuff. Probably not nice of me, but I couldn't help it. Melissa sounded so fake. Also, I hate it when people talk about themselves in the third person: "Melissa was who you chose, but now you don't want to fight for Melissa!" Sheesh! Give me a break. Not that I would have behaved much better.

So now it is all over. Thank goodness Top Model starts this week. Bad television is so entertaining.

In other news: work is busy, I have a sinus cold, I found a new cookie recipe that I love, my support group is awesome!, and my parents leave in two days for Vegas (we get their cars!). All in all, not that interesting, but c'est la vie!

Isn't She Lovely...

Welcome to the family Jenna Catherine Chantel Spencer. Arrived 4:10pm Thursday. We are very excited that she is finally here (even though she came early). Look at all of that hair.

A Late Valentine

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and Ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God choose,

I shall love thee better after death.

What wonderful words. I wish that I could claim them, but that is some straight up Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She said it best. Nothing says love like a sonnet from the 1800s.

Hope

As most of you know, it has been quite the year for me. We have had so many ups and downs, I was beginning to get dizzy! Last Friday, I had finally had enough! I burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen, and sobbing uncontrollably, I tried to explain to my wonderful, understandably concerned husband, what was going on.

I think that I, to use a horrible cliche, had reached the end of my tether, and it all came pouring out. The doubts, the fears, the feelings of hurt and inadequacy. My poor mind. It literally hurt to let all of these private thoughts out of my head and share them with Mark. And finally, when I had run through them all, I simply stated that I needed some hope. I needed to know that things were going to get better. Then, in the form of a teary husband, I found what I had been blindly searching for. What a guy. After watching his wife slowly grow hysterical, he calmly told me he loved me, and he wouldn't have me any other way.

Thank the Lord for patient husbands who continue to love us, even when the crazy comes out.

On another note, after getting out the bad vibes, we had a long talk, a long prayer, and a feeling of Hope came to both of us.

A Show of Support

So after weeks of nervousness and brief moments of panic, I made my way to my very first support group this evening. I don't think "Terrified" fully communicates my feelings on the subject.

To explain: Back in November, I was approached by the wife of one of my clients regarding her desire to be part of a support group that was specifically for mothers of stillborn children. She wanted to know if I was interested in attending with her. At the time I said, sure, whatever, and promptly forgot about it. Then it started to get more serious before Christmas, when I started communicating with a coordinator for the HOPE group. Sherry is a wonderful woman and she took on the responsibility of leading this sorry group of women through the initial stages of grief. Again, I agreed to be a part of the group, not really sure why I was doing so. I have not felt a lack of support during the last few months, and by her own admission, my situation was quite different from the other women in the group. Still, I felt like it was something that I needed to do, and after tonight I am so glad that I did. Tears were shed, stories were told, and feelings were felt. It was so nice to be in a setting where you didn't need to explain all of the emotions that you run through in a day, week, or month. These women, though very different, all came together with a common goal; we needed to talk and to be understood. We needed each other. This group is really interesting because it is a Christian-based group, and at the end, Sherry asked us all to tell her where we were with our spirituality. She wanted to know if we belonged to a church and how we felt towards God. It was wonderful to share my love for my Heavenly Father and to say what an integral part He has played in not only my healing, but also in my survival in hard times. There was a woman attending this evening that admitted that she was currently asking questions about God and faith,etc. I felt very drawn to her and I wonder if she is part of the reason why I felt a need to be a part of this group. Time will tell.

Anyway, to summarize, it was not easy, but it was good.

Sickness

–adjective
1.
afflicted with ill health or disease; ailing.
2.
affected with nausea; inclined to vomit.
3.
deeply affected with some unpleasant feeling, as of sorrow, disgust, or boredom: sick at heart; to be sick of parties.
4.
mentally, morally, or emotionally deranged, corrupt, or unsound: a sick mind; wild statements that made him seem sick.
5.
characteristic of a sick mind: sick fancies.
6.
dwelling on or obsessed with that which is gruesome, sadistic, ghoulish, or the like; morbid: a sick comedian; sick jokes.
7.
of, pertaining to, or for use during sickness: He applied for sick benefits.


I particularly enjoy #4. One question, if you were not of sound mind, would you know? or, would someone have to point it out for you? I don't believe that this is the sickness from which I am currently suffering (though, as previously discussed, would you even know?!), my situation seems to be closer to #1. Never fear, I am on the mend after a day of sleep in a chair (but my butt hurts a little). I hope that you enjoyed your Sunday.

My Latest obsession

*sigh!* I didn't think that I needed yet another reality television show to become addicted to, but now it seems like every Monday I am obsessed with who receives this silly longstemmed red rose. Who do you want to win the whole thing? I root for Molly.

opps-i forgot

I love my class; I love my grouchy husband; I love that people trust us to teach their children the fundamentals of the gospel; I love that I get to be reminded every week that Heavenly Father loves me. How grateful I am that I have been given this opportunity to teach.

There. I just needed to remind myself that I am grateful. Bad mood gone.

I love Children, really...really I do

So, primary is fun. Especially when you have kids who all want things their way, all want to talk at the same time, have no interest in the lesson (despite hours of work trying to make it fun), and feel that the chairs are there to repeatedly jump off of, as well as a husband who has a cold and therefore has absolutely no patience.

We have been primary teachers for two and a half years now and we have been given the classes that they think need extra work. Awesome. I truly enjoy our new class, but there are days that I miss our last class. We had them trained. These guys are a new challenge. Their last teacher said today that he was sure that we would have our hands full because they hadn't tried to contain them at all. Great. I think that things will be just fine, but today I am tired.

I have often thought that I needed to learn patience, and maybe that is why we are still in primary. The worst part is that the child that is the least behaved is my nephew!

The end of absence

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life interceeded, 'nuff said!

So to update:
1: work continues to be an integral part of my life. It has been a combination of therapy and stress. My clients make life possible some days and challenging on other days. It has been great to share about eternal families and the gospel with them when they ask how come Mark and I are coping so well.
2: Mark is working hard this year in school. He is doing really well and I am so proud to help and support him whenever I can. He is my strength. I don't even want to contemplate what life would be without him.
3: Mark's sister, Deanna, had her baby 8 weeks early, and we are all thankful that Jacob is happy, healthy, and (holy crap!) is chunky! She is adjusting to life with 5 boys.
4: My sister in law, Chantel, is 4 weeks away from her own new arrival. We are so excited for this new baby girl to show up and join our family. When she comes, there will be a tie between the boy and girl grandchildren on our side of the family. She will also be the first girl born in our family in 6 years.


I think that this covers most of the changes in our lives. I am sure that I missed some of them. I am so excited for this new year and for all of the opportunities that come with it. This last year was really challenging physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. I continue to be amazed at the grace of our Heavenly Father. The sacrifice of Christ saves me when I am rife with doubt and fear for the future. I am grateful for the life that I have been given, trials and all.

I am also grateful for friends who take to time to comfort, even when it is in the middle of a busy Sunday (thanks Donna, Sachie, Amy, and Sharon). Today was a hard day, 6 months to the day, but when I think of it in the eternal perspective, I remember that it is a drop in the bucket.

On a different note: stay tuned for treadmill stories! You haven't lived until you have seen Jess running!